Recently, I’ve talked a lot more about things that have happened to me and the way I am as a result of those occurrences. It’s hard because I know there’s plenty of paranoia and unnecessary stress that stems from ways I have been hurt in the past, and those things make it so hard to form any sort of close relationship with people without fears that it will just be a repeat of what I am used to.
It’s illogical and unfair to the amazing, caring, and understanding people I am blessed with now, and it’s something I have been working constantly to change. So often, with family, friends, and relationships, I’ve questioned my worth, questioned what others have felt, and put way more in than the other person. Because of this, I have started to close myself off. Slowly, I am opening up and understanding that others aren’t the same, but it has been difficult. I still worry about abandonment, I still become paranoid that I am bothering the people I love, and I over scrutinize everything. I’m always trying to remind myself that the people who love me will not up and leave my life without explanation, and I’ve expressed to the people close to me that that is a large fear I’ve had for a very long time, in hopes that they understand and don’t let it push them out of my life.
I either cling on to people too hard until I suffocate them or I distance myself and push them away. Neither of these are fully conscious actions, but at the same time, I know at least a bit that it is happening (though sometimes I need to step back to see it).
The thought of leaving home is only making this worse, and I have been struggling to explain it to the people who care about me, mostly because I don’t want it to make it seem like I don’t trust them. I trust that they would never intentionally hurt me, but that doesn’t erase the the paranoia that nags the back of my head.
I’m single for many reasons, but one of those reasons is because of how I get. I can’t even maintain friendships without needing constant reassurance, so how could I ever be in a relationship with someone? I don’t know, I’ve just been overthinking this for the past few weeks and talking about it a few days ago made me start thinking more about it.
If any of my friends see this (shoutout to the ones who get emails when I post), thank you for tolerating me. I love and appreciate you more than you know, and your patience is something I value greatly.