The Value of My Time

I’m the kind of person that’s always making plans, always inviting others, always pulling everything together. Don’t get me wrong, I have a select group of friends that make plans with me first and don’t make me feel like I’m the only one putting in effort (hi if you’re reading this, Aubree. Haha). But the rest? I feel like I’m running in circles.

I feel like most of the people I want in my life honestly don’t want me around. And, no, it’s not just because they’re busy. They choose not to spend time with me, choose to blow me off. I thought it was just hectic schedules for a while but it hit me that wasn’t the case when a person I’ve been reaching out to for a while eagerly made plans with someone else. Now this isn’t jealously, it’s me hurt by a stupid situation. I have tried numerous times to contact this person with plans, even just a simple lunch date, to which I get no replies or “I’m busy” responses for literally two months straight. 

And it’s not just that friend. It’s a large amount of the people I associate with. I know I could just walk away, cut ties completely, go out and find people that have time for me, but that’s easier said than done. I care about these people. I love them, I love talking to them, I love their company. I guess that if they don’t feel the same (or at least that’s what they’ve showed me), I should stop wasting my time and move on. I mean, actions do speak louder than words and their actions are screaming “I don’t want you around.” It makes me feel awful. It makes me wonder what I’ve done wrong that makes them not want me around. Maybe I’m just exhausting all my time in the wrong place. Maybe my time isn’t important to them. Maybe I’m just someone there to talk to when no one else is around. No matter the reason, it bothers me, maybe a whole lot more than it should.

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Happy.

I try so hard to make everyone happy. From my friends to my family to people I don’t even know. I hate seeing people down and I just want everyone to be happy. But in my pursuit I tend to neglect my own happiness and success. I see someone needs something? I’ll drop everything and do it for them. I know this trait can be a really great one to have but at the same time I let it get in the way of my life.

For example, I see a friend upset. I text the person and try to figure out what’s wrong. I usually end up caught in a roundabout of their sadness that not even my attentive ear can help. I think what really gets me about it is that while I am listening to them (or afterwards), I often see posts on the internet where they complain about not having any friends or having no one to listen. It makes me feel like all my efforts were a waste of time.

I put off sleep and homework for others, even ignoring class lectures and people trying to talk to me in person to make sure they’re okay.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends and love helping them as much as I possibly can and don’t expect recognition, but when I’m doing it for what feels like no reason at all, it gets extremely tiresome and makes me feel as if they’d be the same, if not better off, without my efforts.

For You, In Memory

For quite a while I wanted a butterfly tattoo. To me it represents my loved ones that have passes away. The butterfly is specifically a reminder of my friend Kristin. My freshmen year of high school we met. She was a senior in my Spanish class. That fact didn’t matter and we forged a friendship throughout the class. In fact, she was the only reason I went to the graduation at my school that year. After she graduated we lost physical contact but would keep in touch by texting and on Facebook.

I actually did run into Kristin again one day. It was nearly a year after she graduated. She yelled my name and I waved. That wasn’t enough, she made me go over to her and gave me a hug. And I’m so glad she did because about two months later she passed away.

Although we didn’t know each other for a very long time, she changed my outlook on a lot of things and really did impact me a whole lot as just a little freshmen in high school.

Rest in paradise, Kristin, I love you and will never forget you.

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(Ignore my hairy legs, it’s still healing)

Oh Journalism

Ah today is the day I actually get to write an article for my school’s paper. Now to most people that’s not a big deal, to me though…I’m excited. Journalism is my life, my motivation, what I’m spending loads of money to get better at. By writing today, I’m paving the way for future endeavors; stories that will take me places. For instance, the band interview I’m slated to do next month. Surely someone who’s never written for a publication would not be fit to carry out such work. Of course I did write for the yearbook in high school and was the editor-in-chief but it’s time to move on from that and start my work in college. I’m prepared, I’m eager, and I’m just a bit nervous, but I’m ready to make this happen and excited to see just how my work will turn out.

Regrets? I’ve Got a Few of Those

If I said I didn’t have any regrets in life, I’d be lying to your face. I know, I know, we’re supposed to live without regrets and we’re just supposed to learn from our mistakes and move on from that. I don’t know, I can’t accept my past so how am I supposed to move on from it? I’m a shitty friend, a shitty daughter, just a shitty kid. And I don’t know what I am supposed to do to make that better. Sure I have confidence, but that only goes so far. I absolutely despise myself; my actions, my words, all that’s passed. I hate it all and I have no idea how I am supposed to make peace with that.

To Be Certain

I’m so mixed up and I couldn’t tell you why. I’m happy and I’m sad. I don’t know what I want, yet I’m thankful for all I have. I have so much going for me already, yet right now I’m feeling so empty, lost, something is missing. I stop to think and somehow flush out all the positive in my life with deep dark thoughts of hopelessness. It doesn’t really make sense to me, so even writing about it is killer. I have so much I would love to open up about just to clear my head, but I’m not sure anyone would like to handle all that I have to say. It’s all rather pointless, a jumble of words that don’t mean anything. I guess I’m just overthinking the good in my life because I’m scare it’ll all just crumble. The people I’ve loved and given my all to? They’ve left. The things I’ve gotten my hopes up for? They’ve let me down. I guess I’m just hung up on the past.

Just a Camera and a Dream

I take photos. Lots of photos. Of EVERYTHING. Although I’ve only recently become proud of my work, I’m working exceptionally hard to build up a portfolio of my photos. This includes buildings/landscapes and senior portraits. I also have wanted to add concert photography. In my research I have found that it’s good to start at small venues, then working up towards a photo pass to shoot between the barricade and stage at shows. I’m going to a show next month so I went out on a limb and emailed the publicist of one of the opening acts, Strange Talk, offering to photograph and write a review for my school’s paper. To my complete and utter surprise, she emailed back, even asking if I could do an interview as well. I can’t even begin to explain how I feel about this opportunity. I know I’m only beginning. I know I have to work hard with the equipment I have. I know it’s going to be nerve racking. I’m ready for all of that. I’m so thankful for the chance to get my foot in the door and ready to prove myself. It’s a chance I didn’t think I’d get, but I’m so glad I gave it a shot and can’t wait to see how it works out. I took the first step, it’s all uphill from here.