Where is the Love in Success?

I’d like to believe I’m a good person. I’d like to believe I lead a well-rounded and fulfilling life. I’d like to believe that I’m living up to my full potential. But you know what? I’m probably not.

Sure I go to school full time. Sure I work part time. Sure I’ve started to pack my schedule. Sure I’m reaching out and forging opportunities to push me forward, but is it really enough?

I feel like no matter what I do, something is missing. I go to school a lot and do well, but barely work; not enough. I work more but start falling behind in school; not enough. I go to school and work a lot but have no free time; not enough. I work, go to school, and have time to do what I like; still not enough.

The last statement is the best. The last really shows me the value of others versus material things alone; the value of love, friendship, companionship. What’s a life of work without relationships? What about school? What about free time? How fulfilling is life when we go through it alone? Or only partially engaged? It doesn’t seem too worthwhile to me. I know I’m only 18 and I’ve only experienced so much, but I’ve experienced enough to realize that a life completely full of successes isn’t so full unless you have others to share in the riches with. 

Now I’m not saying you need someone else to make you happy, not even a tiny bit. I am saying that you need love. Love is more important than you could ever imagine. Love is more than that A on your paper, love is more than that paycheck. Love is more than sitting down to watch tv or laying down for a nap.

Love is important. Relationships are vital. If on your quest for success you push everyone away, you’ve already lost the battle. Sure it may be hard to maintain connections and spend time with everyone you care about when things get busy, but at least give an effort. Don’t skimp out or say “maybe tomorrow”. Don’t rely on tomorrow because no one really knows if tomorrow is really going to come. Make time today. Don’t let the ones that you love go to bed without knowing you feel the same. Don’t let time slip by without at least taking a moment to drop by just to say hi. The importance of these little actions is more than you could even imagine.

Like I said, I can only speak from so many years, but I’ve been here. I’ve been on both ends-I’ve let my life get in the way of my relationships and I’ve been pushed aside, a victim of busy lives and oh so important commitments. It’s not easy from either angle. On one hand, you think everything is going great and you just keep running, running from your friends, running from your family. Then you hit a bump in the road. You stumble, and when you fall, there’s no one there. No. They’re back where you left them. On the other hand, you reach out. You call and text and try and try until you feel as though they don’t feel the same. It feels awful. Both instances feel awful.

I cannot stress how bad I feel about the people I haven’t made time for, especially in this past year. It’s way too easy to get caught up in the hustle bustle of life and forget what’s truly important. Now I’m not saying go out and drop all your dreams and endeavors or go hangout with someone every single day, but MAKE TIME.

Time is precious. Love is precious. Give love the time it deserves.

I am guilty of prioritizing wrong, I’ll be the first to admit this fact. I know I’m already preparing myself for this even more as I grow older, but I refuse to let my life be so overran by successes and becoming better for my own advantages that I forgot to sit down and let my loved ones know that I care. I care. I love you. I need you. Even though we don’t see each other often or talk every single day, I love you and I think about you and your presence in my life is important to me.

I don’t want to grow up and look back at all the opportunities I missed to say “I love you” or go out for a little dinner date, knowing it’s too late to do so. I can’t imagine making all my dreams come true then realizing I’m completely and utterly alone. I don’t know how everyone else feels about this, from the one forgetting to the forgotten, but I know from both ends of the spectrum, it has got me thinking.

Remember your old best friend? Your grandma? Your classmate from a few semesters ago? Anyone who has cared about you and supported you and help you become who you are today…give them a call, take a drive to their house. TELL THEM YOU LOVE THEM.

Time slips away way too fast. Don’t waste it on material advancements without acknowledging the most important thing: love. Those you love. Those who love you. This is important.

I know I’ve pulled away from most of the people that care about me and love me, and for that I am sincerely sorry.

 

 

 

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What If

On the website used by my school, there’s a “what if” option on the grade book where you can test what your overall grade would be had you gotten a different score on any assignment. It’s an interesting feature, adding a layer to grades that isn’t present in real life. The grade is definite; if you got 100 on the paper, you have an A, if you got 80 on the paper, you still have an A. The system does the math and gives you results. In life there are no definite what if answers. There’s only wishing and doubting and regretting and pondering. We all can say that we know what would have happened had we taken a different path, but in all truth, we don’t. So we think. We plan and dream up what could have been.
What if things had stayed how they were months ago, time being the only thing changing? I actually ponder this often. What would I be doing? Where would I be? Who would I be talking to? How would I be feeling? Now of course some things would be the same, they’re simply aspects of my life, created solely by me, but what about the other aspects? The things I do with others, the people I spend my time with? I can’t help but focus on these what ifs and I can’t help but wonder if this is how my life really is supposed to be. Everything happens for a reason, but what if…?

Hung Up

While scheduling for my second semester of college I stopped and thought. I’m not happy. I’m not satisfied with anything. Why? I wish I could tell you, I wish it were that simple to get out there. But it’s not. I have ideas sure, ideas I wouldn’t want to tell a soul. Well I mean I do want to, I need to get it out so badly before it eats me from the outside in. Unfortunately I don’t trust that I could say it without being told how stupid I am. I’m hung up on the past to the point where I’ve pushed all my friends away. Or maybe they ran away on their own. I can’t be too sure. All I know is that I could and should be happy but right now I’m far too worried about how things would be had I made different choices. I don’t know. I don’t know is like my motto now I guess. I can’t focus my mind on anything anymore. I’m lonely, I’m regretful, and I’m sorry. So sorry. So sorry for the ones I’ve let down, pushed away, threw away. I was dumb. I never know what I want, I reject what I’m not used to and that’s why I’m in this place. I’ve never felt this way until recently and I truly have no idea how I’m supposed to go about forgetting things that weigh so heavy on me. I sound so pathetic, I know I do, but attempting to sort my thoughts by putting them into words is the only way I can at least try to make sense of my utter stupidity and reoccurring thoughts that should be far far out of my head.

Terrors in the Night

I had the most perfect dream last night. Everything fell into place. I felt happy. Happier than I’ve ever felt. A happiness I haven’t felt in nearly a year. It was great, it was perfect, and it seemed to last forever. To be honest, I thought it was real. That is…until I woke up. Then the perfect was gone, shattered. I woke up upset and confused. Why would that happen? Why would that of all dreams feel so perfect, so right? It’s not like it would ever happen and it’s not like I’m sure I’d ever want it to, but I guess my inner feelings are getting the better of my outer shell and I’ve really lost control of that. I don’t know what’s happening but I feel like I’m stuck in a battle. I don’t know what I want, but maybe I’m starting to figure out what I need. Either way, it hurts. It really does. And it makes me feel stupid. Stupider than I have ever felt before. I don’t get it. I was content and perfectly fine, but these last few weeks have proved otherwise. I try and try and try to talk it up that this is exactly what I want and I would have been crazy any other way but that dream proved me dead wrong and I don’t know. I don’t.

Blurs

Why is it that we don’t know what we have until it’s gone? Don’t see how much something means to us until we can no longer have it? It seems like a trend, maybe an epidemic, an issue we all seem to face. Griping and complaining while it’s there, only to turn around and cry and replay old memories over and over, wishing to rewind to that time we seemed to dread so much. It’s a cycle: Get it, Forget it, Regret it. It’s like no matter how many times it happens to us, we end up in the same exact spot every single time. It’s frustrating but it seems to be a part of life. Time can pass, days can go by but it always seems that regret is lingering, just waiting to dig its nasty claws into you. It could take days, weeks, months, but it’ll still show up. It may only hide in the back of your mind, or it could overwhelm you, or it could come in bursts. Regardless, it’s THERE and you know it. You know it but the you know what? Something else will come along and in time you will let it go and in time you will be having the same exact feelings. You may not admit it, you probably won’t, but you know it’s there. We all know it’s there. It’s there and we can’t stop it. We can only forgive our pasts and hope that one day that forgiveness will be enough to help us grow and move on from what was so that we can fully enjoy what will be.

It’s not easy. Oh I sure know that it’s no walk in the park. You know what it is though? It’s doable. (I think, maybe, I’m still too hung up on my past to really be sure.) You will stumble. You will fall. You will cry. You will relive the past memories in your mind. It won’t be easy. You’ll try to run back to what’s already gone. You’ll lose sleep, laying awake playing moments and words and thoughts over and over again.

It will seem as though it’s destroying you, but it won’t kill you. Hell, if anything, it’ll make you stronger. It takes time. Whether it be a short period of thinking or years, time will heal. Time will give you what it takes to forgive, to drop the regret, to live your life for the present before that too becomes the past.

Life is short, and living in the past only makes it shorter.

I know how it is to be stuck on things you can’t change, grasping desperately for the control and safety of what you used to know. It’s not easy. It feels like it will never be easy, I know this as well. I’m at that stage, but I’ve been through enough to know that it’s not the end of the world; it’s not even the end of my world. 

Now I can’t sit here and tell you everything is peaches and cream because IT’S NOT. It never has been, and it may never be, but the less regret you’re hanging onto, the closer you are to that perfect present. I haven’t been resting easy lately, but I hope that if anyone out there is struggling with something they can’t let go of, they realize that the regret and angst isn’t going to make it better. The past won’t destroy you, but the way you go about what’s been now will.

Don’t let what could’ve been or what you should’ve said or should’ve done ruin what would’ve been your life, your future, you. We are our pasts, our presents, and those impact our futures. I can’t preach on the no regrets thing because I have too many to count, I’ve been focused on a good amount while writing this, but I can say that there are ways to handle those mishaps without letting them completely consume you. You are more that what you were, we all are. I’m more than that day I didn’t show up, the nasty things I’ve said, the ways I have treated my loved ones. I think that taking the time to sit down and write this has helped me to really realize this I’ve been telling myself all these things for a long time, but who takes their own advice? Exactly.

But if I ever did decide to take my own advice, it would be this: Don’t let yourself be so hung up on your past failures and mistakes that you forget to live for the moment. Don’t let your past dictate you, but don’t forget it either. It has made you who you are today, at least the positive. Whether it makes negative aspects in your life is up to you. And only you. Don’t spend so much time wishing to have the past back that you forget to create a future that will make you happy, hopefully happier than that past did. And hey, you can still look at those old pictures. Laugh about the memory, cry about how those were some good times, then put it back away, get up, and look at what’s around you. Appreciate it. Love it. Because you know what? This will soon just be a picture.

Secrets.

I think way too much. I ponder too much. I regret too much. I miss too much. Lately I let my thoughts creep to the point where I can’t work, sleep, or concentrate in class. It’s exhausting, and if you knew my thoughts…pathetic, stupid. Like, really, really, really stupid. But they still exist nonetheless. I don’t know if it’s just pure over thinking or if there’s any real meaning to the thoughts (I’d like to think the first), but they are destroying me. I don’t know. Maybe I’m searching for something-something to override the thoughts that run through my mind. Maybe it’s just a phase. Maybe it’s just the weather.

I don’t know a lot I suppose. All I do know is not one single person knows these thoughts, not even a hint of them. Having them is one thing, hiding them is a complete other thing. It has to be what’s best though. Anything else would destroy me on the outside as well as the inside. No one needs to see what a pathetic person is, no one needs to know the problems I create in my lonely head.