I thought I was happy for a little while. That was replaced with worry and stress and fears pretty quickly. Sure I can have happy moments, but those are extinguished by the crushing reality that everything is not what it seems and maybe success is not for me.
I don’t mean to sound like an over-exaggerating teenager. I just want to be able to do something and not have a million and one things bothering me while I try to accomplish a task. It’s exhausting and it’s sucking the joy and life out of everything I do. What am I living for? It feels like nothing a lot of the time. If that’s the case, what am I doing here? Where am I going? What is the point?
I keep searching for reasons to not just give up everything I’ve been working for. Obviously nothing makes me happy enough to feel like I have some sort of purpose and that fact absolutely sucks. It’s actually quite heartbreaking and I don’t know what I should do. I keep stumbling and falling and can’t seem to find something worth striving for. There are bits and pieces that make me smile, sure, but I’m drowning in this unsatisfactory stage that’s been going on for awhile. I’m fighting a battle for something that will tell me that it’s all worth it.
Maybe my priorities are wrong. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong but I keep trying, oh I try so hard to piece it together. I go through every day feeling like what I’m doing isn’t worth it, thinking maybe one day something great will happen; thinking it will all fall into place.
Maybe it will. Maybe it won’t.
I don’t know if I want to keep trying to find out if I’m going to constantly feel awful while searching for answers. I guess I should start going with the flow and stop thinking so much. Somehow, that’s near impossible to do. I think I just have to find a way to balance all these things that have me all worked up. The thing is, I have no idea what that will take. I try and try and try, trials and errors of my young life.
The hardest part is not knowing what is worth it and what doesn’t deserve my time. What if none of this is what is supposed to be happening? What if I’ve made a wrong turn? What then? What am I to do?
I’ve felt “broken” before; I’ve been torn before. I know what it feels like to feel like you’re not good enough and worry about everything that is constantly suffocating you. I’ve been in too deep many times before. I get how challenging it can get. I have pulled myself out of it before. Shouldn’t I be able to do the same this time? If it were up to me, the answer would be yes. But then there’s that: is it up to me? Isn’t my life, my choices, where I am going, all up to me?
I thought so. It doesn’t feel like it. But maybe, just maybe, it is.