Growth.

Growing up is one of the weirdest, difficult, most rewarding experiences. Every single thing you do is part of growing up.

Think about it-no matter what you do, time keeps passing and we keep aging. There is no way to stop that or go back and change that, but that’s probably for the best. It’s only on certain occasions that I sit and look back on the time that has passed by me and it is those times that I think. I think a lot. I get upset, I get disgruntled. I focus on things that went wrong and things that could have happened and what-ifs. And you know what? Even after all that thinking, I always come to the conclusion that where I am now is exactly where I want to be and my past doesn’t belong with me now, except for the bits and pieces that have shaped and influenced who I am at this very moment. 

I’ve lost friends, I’ve grown away from people, I’ve walked away from things that I once wanted so badly. I’ve lost a lot, but for everything I’ve left behind, I’ve gained something so much more valuable. I’ve learned so much in 18 years of life and when I get down on myself, I just remember all the experiences that have come out of such a relatively short period of time.

And life’s just like that; things are going to keep changing and time is going to keep passing by and I’m going to keep learning. It might not be the greatest joy at all times, but it’s life and I’m thankful to have that at least.

I’m thankful for the family that is actually still in my life, my small group of friends that have had my back since day one, my best friend that somehow manages to put up with all the highs and lows I encounter and deals with them right there next to me, the education I’m receiving, the people I’ve met (and all the people I have yet to meet), and every single breath I take.

I just sometimes really forget to live in the moment. I get really panicky and fail to appreciate what’s right in front of me. I always say that everything happens for a reason but sometimes I let my fears and doubts get in the way of that belief. Hey, I guess that’s because I’m still growing. We never stop growing.

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One Year.

In less than a week, I will be done with my first year of college. That fact is both a relief and utterly terrifying. I feel like I just graduated high school. It was just last night that I was walking across the football field receiving my diploma.

High school flew by and I was always told that it just keeps going faster after graduation. To be honest, I didn’t think it could go any faster than the 2012-13 school year, but damn was I wrong.

This first year of college has been an adventure that I am so thankful to have been able to experience. Though I didn’t know what to expect when I first walked onto campus a few months, I am excited with what I was able to get involved in and cannot wait to see what the future holds.

I have met such amazing people, from my classmates to my professors to musicians and even an Academy winning screenwriter. I’ve interviewed bands and shot shows and have attended a movie premiere. I’ve joined a team of amazing writers to help put out a magazine that I find awesome.

I’ve balanced school and work and writing for the paper and writing for the magazine and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Freshmen year was such a crazy mix of experiences. I can only hope time slows down a tiny bit so I have the opportunity to enjoy it all to its full potential. 

I don’t know.

I’m certain that no one gets me and honestly I should probably just accept that and move on but it’s really hard to find happiness when you are stuck unhappy and virtually alone.

I don’t get it. What am I doing wrong? I’m nice to everyone, I drop everything for others and still? I feel like no one even likes me. I have only myself and even that is no good because in all honesty, I hate myself and I don’t think I could ever like myself, no matter how hard I may try. 

I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

I’m empty. I’m terrible. I’m an awful person. I’m a bad friend. I have a crappy personality.

I don’t like me so I guess I should stop expecting other people to like me.

What would even happen if one day I just vanished. They say the world would be completely different if you weren’t here, but they never say if it’d be different in a good way or a bad way. At this point, I think we all could guess what it would be like if I was just not around anymore.

In the middle of my post I went and talked with my best friend for a little while. I guess I’ll stop whining because she made some good points. Well goodnight.