Sometimes I feel like things are moving forward, while other times I feel as though I have hit a standstill. I’m only 18 so I probably shouldn’t worry about my future a huge amount, but at the same time it’s as if I’m supposed to already have my entire life figured out and was supposed to the minute I got my diploma handed to me last June. Sure, I have a good idea what I want to do and I have made great strides towards my future these past few months, but there’s always that nagging fear that something is going to go horribly wrong and I am going to lose everything I’ve worked so hard for.
I am so fearful of not being good enough-not good enough for my career, for school, for my friends, for anything. It’s probably a feeling a lot of people my age feel but it is so stressful and worrying about one aspect I may not be good enough for only pushes me to be more worked up about the other parts. It is so exhausting. I think I let myself get so worked up over hypothetical situations based off my past experiences. For instance, one of my biggest fears is that everyone is going to leave me. They are going to get sick of me and not want me around anymore; everyone always does. It’s a particularly silly notion to have in my head, considering how the people in my life now have been there for me every single time I have needed someone and have never let me down, but I still feel like I’m pretty irritating. Would I put up with me? Probably not. I give major props to everyone who has stuck around me, especially my best friend because she definitely takes way too many of my hits that shouldn’t even be coming her way. I don’t know why she puts up with me but I guess that I’ve finally found the meaning of true friendship in the friendship we share.
I don’t know why I let the littlest things get to me. I have so far to go and nothing now, absolutely nothing now is saying, “You won’t make it. This is wrong. Stop now. Failure. You are going to lose.”
Nothing…but my own mind. I don’t know if that fact is comforting or terrifying. Why do people bother to take life so seriously? I think about that quite often…we’re all going to die one day so why not enjoy what we have and stop stressing about when it could be gone? Take it all in, take none of it for granted. I need to take my own advice and readjust my own mindset when it starts getting chaotic. I have so much to be thankful for and there is so much for me to enjoy. I’m done fearing what could be and I’m done being negative about everything. There is so much for me to be happy about. There are people that care about me, whether I get why anyone would ever want to be around me or not, they care and they want to spend time with me and they want to see me happy. Hey, I want to see me happy too and instead of stressing and worrying about things that are so far in the future, I’m going to dedicate my time to the people I love and that love me, while working towards happiness.
I’ve let my worries out, now this is my promise-my promise to myself, my promise to the people that are there for me; it is time to drop my insecurities, it is time to start living life as if it could all end at any time, while not even worrying about that rather true fact. It’s time to start living. It’s time to be happy. I’m not alone and there is nothing in my way.