Mentally Destroyed.

“You’re stupid.”

“What about my grades and how well I’m doing in school? What about my articles and my photography?”

“Grades don’t matter.”

I am so sick and tired of being mentally destroyed by my family. These are the people I live with. These are the people that are supposed to love me. I don’t do a thing to them and they still find ways to make me out to be this horrible, idiotic monster. I’m 19 years old and yet I feel like every decision I make is being scrutinized.

I know that no one can judge me and it’s my own life to live but it’s so hard when the people you live with are constantly slaying you with their words over the decisions you make. It is so damn exhausting. No matter what I do, I will always be wrong in their eyes. That’s one thing, it’s a complete other thing to be so harassed for it. I know they don’t agree with all my decisions and I know they don’t completely support me like they claim to but to put me down and try to hurt, that’s when it crosses lines with me. It’s like who I am will never be good enough for them unless I have something to offer them. They criticize me over the friends I have, yet they make me feel as bad, if not worse, than the people I choose to associate with have made me feel.

My friends always leave me and my family always find things wrong with me that they can throw in my face at random intervals. It makes me wonder what is wrong with me and honestly, it makes me wish I was dead. If my own family isn’t going to love and support me, then who is going to? It’s like whenever I am happy or am having a good day, they see an opportunity to swoop in and crumble up my mood and make me feel like I am the scum of the earth. I wish with everything that I had the money to move out because as much as I’ve planned to live at home until I graduate college, I do not think I will mentally be able to handle it.

They Said

They said it was a stupid choice
They said I was wasting my brain

But how is it wasting to embrace your inner voice?

Doubtful a bit, I took the leap
Enrolled in classes and went along
Take a picture here, a picture there
Some pretty decent, but most nothing to keep

I wrote, I wrote till my fingers were stiff
Wrote about anything, anywhere
Notebooks, paper scraps, my laptop files filled

Never did I guess my camera and a pen
Would push me through a year in such an upward manner

They said it was a stupid choice
They said I was wasting my brain
I’m glad I never believed them then

The Honest Truth

“I hope you find a way to be yourself someday. In weakness or in strength, change can be amazing.”

These lyrics blasted during an hour and a half car ride to see The Neighbourhood with tickets that I won for me and my best friend. These lyrics blasted in my bedroom and my kitchen and my car and everywhere else. While the song was always playing during happy moments and lighting up the summer, the feelings shifted and the meaning of the song became stronger than ever.

It is so hard to watch people you love go down destructive paths, paths that you cannot help them on. It’s hard to be pushed away by the ones you love. It’s so damn hard to not be able to save them. It’s the worst becoming second to a harmful lifestyle. Plenty of songs have jerked memories out of me but no other song, no other lyrics hit me harder than those in “Honest”. Knowing that someone you care about could be in danger, could be dead and there’s absolutely nothing you can do but hope for the best…that’s the worst.

“I pray for the best for you.”

So that’s what you do…you pray and you turn on a song, a song that makes you feel great and awful all at the same time and you cry and ponder and beat yourself up over what you can do to help that person.

The song that was a song to listen to with someone became a song to listen to while wondering how that person was doing, wondering if they were alive, wondering how things were working for them, wondering what in their life has changed.

It never was an easy song to listen to, but it was never a painful experience either. Even now, knowing that things are fine, it still hits me and it still brings me back to those late summer nights, glued to the phone to at least hear that you are okay. I don’t know if I seem like a dramatic weirdo…but it’s just so damn difficult knowing that someone you love has taken a turn for the worst and there is not a single thing you can do about it but cry to a song you both loved.

Music is so powerful in that way. Liking a song is completely different than feeling a song. A song can make you the happiest and the saddest at the same time, bringing back all the great moments while reminding you of things that have forever changed. It’s so hard to listen to a song that you can feel. But if you find a song that you can truly feel, wow does it sure become the best possible thing. It becomes a medicine for the things that are taunting and bothering you. It gives you a release. It fixes those sad little moments inside of you. A song that you can feel, those are the songs that change you life, and hey, change can be amazing.

5 Lessons from the Start of a College Journey

The past year has involved so much, from a journey through college to honing my talent and skyrocketing through successes and failures. Here’s five important things I have learned in a year.

1. You have to be pushy.
Don’t just back down when something seems impossible. Push to get what you want and never let yourself be discouraged by the possibility of not succeeding. If someone is putting you down or telling you that you can’t, don’t listen to them. Never take no for an answer and never let yourself be held down.
2. The people that love you will always come around.
They might stray, they might think about themselves a little too much and forget about you, but they will come back. Don’t think that just because someone is gone is because they aren’t meant to be there. Sometimes it does mean that, sometimes the relationship just needs some time. Things happen in weird ways and one day you will realize who your best friend is. Don’t beat yourself up because I guarantee that people out there love you, even when they’re struggling to show it. It might really just be them.
3. Money isn’t near necessary for a good time.
A walk around the neighborhood or just sprawling out on the couch talking are some amazing ways to pass time. Do it for hours with someone you love and you have a great day with no money but a lot of bonding. Of course, spending five dollars on a pizza is a good addition but the day is still lovely without it.
4. Never pass up an adventure.
There is no telling where a random drive can take you. Don’t let yourself worry about where you’re headed, just get up and go experience the world. There’s so much out there to be seen and it is so refreshing to break out of your comfort zone for a day. Whether it be a journey across the city or a trek through states, take up the opportunity. It will be worth it, I promise.
5. A few friends are better than a ton.
If you can find one person you’re genuinely happy around, you’re pretty damn lucky. Love them, embrace them, and tell them you appreciate them. Friendship is truly important, no matter what stage of life you are in; don’t forget about your friends when things get rough because they will be the ones that will have your back when you’re left alone.

The Apology

I think it’s a silly notion
To let forgiveness lie dormant
While we fight with emotion

I can’t go on without making right
I can’t go on with blurred sight
I now know there was no hate
I now see what is the fate

I’m sorry I wasted loads of time
I’m sorry for construing
The fault is all mine

Just understand forgiveness means a lot
And to stay by the sides of those that hurt me
That took much thought

I Killed Myself

I killed myself with the pen
I killed myself when I picked up my camera
Positioned to shoot and shot right through them
I killed myself when success and power intertwined
I killed myself when I lost my mind
I killed myself when I sat alone
Cold and tired and distant
I killed myself with a bottle of relief
I killed myself so they wouldn’t hear a peep
Tired and aching but strong to the core
You can’t win when you love revenge more

The Blessing of Distance

This is merely a post for me to sort out my own thoughts about a situation that has weighed heavy on me for a good while. It could be an explanation or a begging for understanding but since none of my family or friends see this blog, it’s my own release.

Three months ago, my best friend stopped speaking to me. There really wasn’t a fight; she just stopped. This best friend was like a sister, she was like my other half. So for three months I cried about it and whined about it and talked about it more than I would ever like to admit. I drove my family and friends up a wall with memories I shared with my best friend, with questions of why, with excuses, trying to find things wrong with her, anything to make it hurt less than it did.
Two weeks ago my best friend talked to me. The circumstances were unusual, I can honestly say I did not see it coming. But it happened. She approached me for the first time in three months, teary-eyed and apologizing a storm for hurting me. To me, none of that mattered. To me, it meant so much to finally see someone that at one point was one of the most important people in my life. My family’s reaction to hearing that she ran into me was enormously leaning towards the idea that I should never speak to her again.
Sure, maybe I could have did that; It crossed my mind a few times when I had considered how I would respond if she ever texted me. I ran replies through my head plenty of times. But standing there, still as a board, listening to my best friend say whatever she needed to say to me…I made a decision that they all seemed disappointed in me for.
It wasn’t an easy choice but as I finally got to spend a significant amount of time with someone that was once family to me, it all made sense. That best friend is so much more than someone that can just walk in and out of my life. Though she may have did that and though it may have hurt like hell, the friendship we share is something that I can’t really explain. I have never had a friendship as close as the one we share and I can say that I am both thankful and blessed that I could fill the void of losing my best friend with my best friend and a friendship that feels even stronger than it was before.