An Open Letter to Someone That Never Gave Up

Alexis,
Wow, sometimes I forget we’re friends because of everything we have been through. It’s really crazy to me. All of that aside, I am so thankful for you. I know that I can be the harshest person to you for no damn reason and I am so sorry. I don’t ever mean to hurt you. I can’t thank you enough for always coming through for me. I constantly fear that one day you’re just going to get sick of me and leave my life. You have put up with so much bullshit being friends with me. All those months that we never spoke, I still wonder why you talked to me again and allowed me into your life. Even after all the times I hurt you, said terrible things, and ganged up on you, you still allowed me to be friends with you. Hell, you allowed me to be close enough to you again that I can say that you are one of my best friends. Even when we were not friends and I was working on making it look like I hated you, I still called you my best friend. There’s something about you that I love so much and I pray that you will be a part of my life forever because I truly think I would die without your friendship. You are one of the kindest people I have ever met and I mean it with everything that I have got that you don’t deserve me and all the shit that I give you, usually out of nowhere. I consider myself so lucky to have you and I am constantly grateful for every single memory we have. I look back and get so sad simply because it upsets me that I have been able to treat someone like you so awfully. I have not the slightest clue how you were able to forgive me or how you still are able to be friends with me even when I still attack you for no reason at all. You are a way better friend to me than I am to you and I feel terrible about that. Nonetheless, you have kept me from falling apart way more times than I can count and I don’t know where I would be if you weren’t there to pick up my crumpled pieces so many times. I swear one day I will make it up to you for all the things I’ve said and done (while working so hard not to add to those things). I know I have a tendency to snap on people I am closest to. Thank you so much for never leaving me even when I so easily treated you like trash. You are far from trash, Alexis, and I love you.

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The Open Letters

In my creative writing class I took this semester we used a concept of open letters to help us write poems. The idea is that you write an open letter to someone (or something), usually with the thought that they are not going to read what was written. I really like the idea and since I have a hard time expressing how I feel without feeling rather stupid, I’m going to begin posting open letters on here with things I need to say. My intentions are to write all my feelings with the hope of one day gaining the courage to show the people what I wrote. We’ll see.

What You Can’t See WILL Kill You

It’s not fair that despite all the great thing I have encountered, I still can’t ever say I am honestly happy for longer than a few days. I found some sort of content happiness at the end of summer that lasted for several months but as that comes crashing down, I find myself scrambling to find something, anything to make me feel like there isn’t so much wrong with me.

I think a huge problem I face is the words people say to me. I don’t think they realize how easy the littlest things can completely tear me apart and ruin my mood. I wish with everything that I’ve got that the littlest things didn’t hurt me and run through my mind as much as they do. But they do. All the time. All day. I can’t stop it and I wish there was some way I could. But I can’t. I’ve tried. I think what hurts me the most is when I try to go to someone or open up about these things or show someone all of me, the deepest and darkest and worst sides of me, it all blows up in my face eventually. They might be there one day but that same thing I showed them will come back later.

I know this might not be intentional but I feel like I can’t explain myself or my feelings to them so I end up just retreating alone and trying to just deal with whatever is bothering me on my own. I mean I would be perfectly fine with handling things on my own, lots of people do, but the people I love don’t have to make me feel like complete and utter shit over the person I am and things I cannot control. If I could change the way I was, I would in a heartbeat because it’s not easy, it’s not fun, and it’s wrecking me and all my happiness I could be enjoying.

I don’t want to need people and constantly feel lonely, I don’t want to require attention, I don’t want to always worry that my friends hate me or wonder if they actually like me, I don’t want to always be paranoid that everyone is lying to me or that no one wants me around. I want to feel loved and accepted without making these irrational scenes in my head. It’s awful.

I just want to be able to go a day without making up something terrible or assuming something that isn’t even happening. I want to be happy. I want to have good times with my friends without letting something ruin that. I’m no good at it; I have no idea what is causing all of this but God, I am working so hard to change it and fix myself on my own. I’m working on me, whether I can do it or not, I guess I will find out. I’ve done it before and though it didn’t last longer than several months, I pray with all I’ve got that I can do it again because this is getting old and exhausting, and is ruining opportunities for me.

Battles Alone

Today was the first day of not involving my friends in my problems and handling them myself.

Doing so is never something I wanted to do; I have┬átried to build friendships where I can open up whenever I need to get things off my chest but it has come to the point where that no longer seems okay. Last night my best friend told me I was needy and required too much attention, was hard to be friends with, and was going to have my friends start distancing themselves from me. Holding back tears over dinner, I guess I realized it’s time to pull away from my friendships.

So that’s what I am doing. I told her I would remove myself from her life. Though she did end up replying to that, I just didn’t reply. As much as I want and need to talk to her, if I’m such a bother I need to work on myself before putting efforts into friendships. I had a really rough day and if I text her, even about something completely unrelated, I know that I will fall into crying to her and obviously that’s something I shouldn’t be doing.

I know I’m really clingy and sometimes all I need is the attention of my friends. I get so anxious and upset and I just feel so alone and all I want and need is to talk to someone that needs and understands me. I’m beginning to wonder if that’s okay in friendships or if I just need a therapist and need to keep my personal issues away from friendships at all costs (this thought comes from her mentioning when she had issues she went to therapy instead of making the people around her feel like shit). I want to be able to have close friendships that I can open up but I feel like whenever I get to that point, I get shot down and end up at stage one again.

I’m well aware that obviously I have something going on. Between being constantly stressed, paranoid, and anxious, it’s a really toxic mixture that I am working so hard to sort out but I feel as though I can’t do it on my own. But at the same time, I would much rather have a friend by my side wiping my tears and holding me and just listening to it all instead of a therapist. I would (and have done) do the same for my friends but yet I always end up feeling like I am such a huge burden and weight on the people I love most.

Has anyone else ever had this issue? Do you pull your personal life out of the friendship? Do you pull away from the friendship completely? How did you handle it? I am just so lonely and sad about the entire thing; I need my best friend but I don’t want to lose her by my neediness. I know this post is rambling and not my best writing but I’m looking for responses more than anything.