The first in forever

I’ve always been that nice person that always had their arms open for whoever was in need. It didn’t matter if I liked you or disliked you or anything like that-I was always there. I made a lot of friends by being like this, but I also allowed myself to get hurt. I would get invested in friendships that would eventually drain me completely before ending. It was unhealthy but I pressed on. Finally I found a few really close friends that I was content with. I had my best friends. Things were grand! Or so I thought…

When those friendships fell apart, so did I. It was like I had lost a part of myself. I had given so much to these people and these relationships, for what? For them to fall apart right in front of me, beyond my control? I lost it. I retreated. I didn’t even bother trying to make new friends. I made connections when I had to, but I decided that putting effort into making any new relationships was nothing but a waste of my time and energy. I had my goals and my future on my mind. If my closest friends weren’t going to support me, why would any potential friends?  I had went into college with the intention of making no friends, and while I did meet some nice people, I kept this mentality for quite a while. The current friendships continued to be turbulent and toxic and I realized that nothing was going to change that. I still was against forming new bonds so I walked around with my head down and got my work done. I was getting involved, but keeping the people I was meeting along the way at an arm’s length; I didn’t need to get attached to anyone new.

See, that’s my issue-attachment. I meet someone and I really like them and I start showing how much I like them and it turns out they don’t feel the same. And you know what happens after that? They leave. Not worth it.

Anyhow, I somehow stumbled into people. It started with someone I had met during my freshmen year of college. Ayesha was always extremely nice to me when we met. We clicked right away, but I wasn’t in the mood for making friends beyond classmates so we didn’t hangout or talk very often at all. This year we started talking a lot more. From her, a whole group of people started appearing in my life. Most of us had a class together so we started bonding over that fact. They became people I could hang with between classes. It was nice but I was pretty sure I annoyed the piss out of them. I have this tendency to get really irritating (or at least I think I do…). From that, they have somehow worked their ways up to some of my favorite people in a very short amount of time. I have opened up to them more than I have opened up to people I have been friends with for years. They don’t make me feel like I like them way more than they like me, something I haven’t really ever felt. I honestly have the best time around them. I was always an outcast; I was weird, I was bullied, I never felt like I had people that truly cared about my well-being. I don’t know if I should be scared that I grew such a strong attachment to people in such a short period, but I am so thankful. I don’t think my decision to basically hermit myself and cut myself off from the world was ever a good idea, and I am pretty damn blessed that some people came along to show me that I was making a decision that wasn’t right.

If you’re one of the people I have gotten really close with this semester, I love you. Thank you. Thank you for giving me a chance. Thank you for being so kind to me. Thank you for actually listening to me. But most importantly, thank you for being a friend. I’ve hit some lows over some of the stupidest things, but I have yet to feel alone this semester. That also seems to be a first for me. Thank you.

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