Breaking away

I’m not sad about the things you did to me. I’m not even hurt. At first it felt like someone had punched me in the gut. Then it stung. Now? It’s not something I will let hinder who I am. It’s difficult to not let it affect the way I handle my relationships with people, obviously, but there is no reason that I should let the hurtful and harsh words of someone destroy me.

I think the biggest result of what you did to me is that I no longer want to open up. I don’t want to tell friends how I feel or what I think because they might start casting judgments on me and leave. You, the person I allowed inside the most, took every last word I said and threw it back in my face. It is painful but it can’t hold a permanent roadblock within me.

I cried to you when I just needed a friend. You? You told me I needed therapy, told me I was clingy, told me I required too much attention, made me feel my friendship was too much to handle. Then what? You left. You up and left like all the other friends I have ever allowed myself to get close to. You told me I was stupid for how I felt and then you just left. You were my best friend and you made me feel as though I wasn’t even deserving of a friend to talk to or spend time with. You knew how I felt about deep conversations and opening up to someone that actually cares. You were the only person I opened up to. I felt I could trust you, but instead you stabbed me with the things that I entrusted you with. I decided I would never open up again. I decided I wouldn’t work to form any close relationship; dealing with another you would take too much out of me. Getting close to someone is a beautiful thing, but when there’s this constant idea that they will soon be leaving when they get sick of you, I’m not sure it’s really worth the risk.

But you know what? I’m moving past that. It’s been a quicker process that I expected, honestly, but I am doing it. You know what? I have said things that I have only said to you. I have trusted that who I am won’t push away people I feel connected to. I recently had a conversation that dug into things I only ever talked about with you. You know what? I didn’t feel judged, and while you made me feel like you cared when you wanted to, I think I might have actually found someone that gets what I’m saying. It is one thing to be a friend when  you feel like, it is something completely different to be there for someone at all times. You showed me that, oh more times than I would like to admit.

I won’t let my “best friend” ruin my chances of forming a friendship with someone that not only sees all of me, but also embraces and adores the person I am. That is the ultimate goal.

Where I stand

The past few months have given me such a fresh insight into my life, who I am, where I am headed, and what my purpose is. While there is no definite explanation for the things that happen to me, I am certain that everything happens for a reason, though we may never truly figure out why. This past semester has been crazy, to say the least, but I am blessed and I am so thankful for those blessings.

I will be the first person to tell you that I am not very religious. While I haven’t been to church in a while and I probably don’t pray as much as those in the church I was raised in would like me to, I have such a clear grasp that something, some force, is driving who I am. I used to plead and cry when things didn’t go my way or upsetting experiences plagued me, but wow, have I discovered that doing so is no good for me and my happiness. In the past few months, I’ve moved on from people that have hurt me, I’ve gained a group of people that push me to do my best, I have continued to solidify what I will be doing with my life, I’ve done what makes me happy, I’ve built relationships that have already impacted me immensely. I have lived.

I have also cried, doubted myself, asked why, screamed, gotten angry, but from that, not a single benefit would arise. There is no reason at all to do such things. Our minds seem to be wired to react in these ways at least once in a while, but dropping (or at least reducing) these actions has given me a chance to open my eyes and look at what is in front of me, around me.

I have been so blessed and continue to gather blessings. While I have encountered hardships throughout my life, I have always gotten through. I have an amazing support system next to me, as well as above me. I don’t speak about how I feel about things like that often, but I know all that has been dropped into my life, especially throughout the past five months, are blessings. I completely believe in freewill and creating our own life and happiness, but I also feel there are some things beyond our own control. I can’t control that someone takes an interest in my life, but I can sure embrace that and be thankful to have been given that person. The more I grow, learn, and get to know those who have appeared in my life, the more I realize just how important my life is, how important I am, and how important the bonds that have formed are. Sometimes, I truly believe that I do not deserve what I have been blessed with, and for that, I am careful to always been as thankful as possible for every aspect of my life. One day I could lose all the things that make me happy, so today I show gratitude. Not a single thing in this life is promised and that is both beautiful and terrifying.

I can’t tell you why things have turned out the way they have, but I can tell you that I am more happy than I have ever been. I am happy not because of material things, those are superficial happiness. I am truly happy because of the people in my life: the people I have served with, the people I have learned with, the people I have grown with, and the people I have opened up to. I don’t see much of my family outside of my immediate family, but I have a huge family completely full of love and understanding. I have been blessed with both an amazing blood family (those that actually want something to do with my life) and an amazing non-related family that has been the extended family I haven’t had in years. There’s nothing to describe that happiness as besides blessings-pure, wonderful, undeniable blessings. And I am so thankful.

A very shocked rant

When I was in third grade, my parents hung out with some neighbors they hadn’t talked to before. During this, they (they were a couple) told my parents they were trying to have a baby. Sometime after this night, my mom innocently yelled across to the woman to ask how that attempt was going. That was all it took to set her off and make her basically hate my mom. Almost immediately after, a blown up image of a horse’s butt with my mom’s name under it went up in their window (I know, weird as all hell).

I’m not sure how long after, but a man moved into the house next door to me. He seemed nice, but he got weirder and weirder, while also befriending the neighbors across the street who did not like my family (though we believe they knew each other before he moved in. We aren’t sure). Our yard started getting vandalized. I was in sixth grade and so terrified to be home that I would sleep with a baseball bat. My family even stayed out for a period of time. While we weren’t living at home, someone shot up our house with paint balls. We are almost undoubtedly certain it was the husband of the woman who hated my mom over the baby situation. I can’t recall exact details, but through this period of time, many, many things went on in the neighborhood. There was so much tension and so many problems; between the guy next door and the people across the street, we were sandwiched in some circle of targeted hate. I, of course, developed a good amount of animosity towards these people. While I am quite forgiving, it still persists to this day (as the horse ass still is stuck up in the window of my neighbor’s home, how grand). While it hasn’t diminished, I have been able to be courteous when needed.

This semester, I met a girl, Sarah, in my copy editing class. Even when we didn’t really talk, we seemed to click. When we did start talking, we realized we were basically the same person. It was almost crazy how easily I was able to relate to her and open up to her about things that I don’t often talk about. We were instant friends because of her personality that is definitely one of the best personalities I have ever encountered. Friendships like that are absolutely beautiful so although we haven’t been friends for very long, I was definitely blessed to meet her.

Sarah and I have been hanging out, and today my dad made a comment about her last name and how it’s a good thing it’s not spelled a certain way because if it was, it would be the last name of the guy that lived across the street. I responded with a nervous laugh, informing him that it was in fact spelled that way. Speculation began that they were related, for some reason drifting to the idea that it was her dad. Well, long story short…it is her dad. It is the man that left his family behind and really hasn’t tried to contact any of them in nearly 16 years.

I am so angry and disgusted and just shocked by the entire thing. While I didn’t know a whole lot about Sarah’s past until today, I am so very upset to know this. That man, who I already do not like for obvious reasons, was able to up and leave his family and such an amazing person without even thinking twice. I still can’t wrap my head around it. I really don’t have anything but vulgar things to say about him or how he could do that. I already did not like the guy, but that just adds this extra layer. In the short time that Sarah and I have been friends, she has been the greatest friend, and it just makes me so angry to know that was done to her, done to her by someone as disgusting and awful as that man. I know for a fact I will never look at him the same way again; I knew he was terrible, but after meeting Sarah, I know he is evil.

Despite having such a piece of trash for a father, Sarah is doing amazing, which I can definitely admire. She surely didn’t pick up on any of the traits that the person whose only redeeming quality is that he is the reason she is alive. That, I am very thankful for, because if she was anything like him, I can guarantee you that we would not have clicked like we did.

So this is to you, the horrible man that tormented my family: I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by you doing that to my family, since you abandoned your own family. While you disgust me, thank you. Thank you for having children. While you’re scum, thank you for having such an amazing child that luckily walked into my life because, unlike you, she is making something of her life.

And to Sarah, I’m sorry if this post is weird because we haven’t been friends for a very long time, but I am glad that you have allowed me into your life and have been the friend you have in that short time. While it makes me want to puke knowing that I live across the street from your father, the person you are makes up for what a sack of garbage he is. I am glad we met, I am glad we are friends, and I hope we’re stuck with each other like I have been stuck in my neighborhood, hahaha.

Rant over. Goodnight.

Goodbye, my friend

This summer will make four years that someone who briefly graced my life passed. Kristin was a senior and I was a freshman in high school when we met. After that class, we would talk but didn’t see each other for a whole year. It was then that we ran into each other again unexpectedly. 267626_240911775932638_7087689_nI waved but she made me came over and hug her. Thinking back on it, I am so glad she did because it would be the last time I would ever see her.

A month or so later, I was sitting home alone when I got the news: Kristin had passed away in her sleep the night before. I called my parents who had only recently left the house. My mom was back in an instant, hugging me as I cried to the news of such a young and amazing life ending. After my parents again left, I sat down crying in front of the television. “If I Die Young” began playing from the music channel that had previously been turned on. I had never heard the song before and it wasn’t particularly new. I don’t know if it was some sort of sign or something to comfort me or anything like that, but that song never fails to put me in tears. Whether it lifts me up or forces me to sit and think about things, it’s the ultimate reminder of how short life is, how important it is to show and tell people you love them, and what an amazing person was part of my life, even if for only a short period of time.

1391697_666385916718553_899419321_nWe may not have known each other for the longest time, but in the time we did know each other, she changed my life. I was so young and stupid in ninth grade, but she still was a friend to me and she listened to the things I had to say. She had her whole life laid out in front of her. She inspired me. I was so proud to call her a friend. I wish we had kept in better touch so that we could have made more memories in the very short time we knew each other. Nonetheless, there’s a tattoo on my leg that promises she is always with me. In that time period, she left a permanent mark on my life, and I will always remember her through the permanent butterfly on my leg.

K.G.

There is a butterfly on my leg
Small but cherished, it is for you
It serves as a memory of who you were
And all you could have been

I sometimes pick up the phone
Preparing to call and catchup
I’m always stopped by the harsh reality
As I drive to your grave and share some time

I pray you know your impact on me
When I was just a kid, lost in high school
You picked me up, made me laugh
You were a friend

Though we drifted when you graduated
You were someone I looked up to
You had a whole life in front of you
Something I truly admired

A month before your departure
We reunited again
Some hugs and smiles
No idea I would never see you again.

Not a damn thing

I have people in my life that genuinely care about and treat me like they want to talk to me and hangout with me, and that scares the hell outta me. Even when I am being annoying or snippy, they don’t get angry with me or talk down on me or make me feel bad about myself. I don’t think I have ever really experienced close  friendships that didn’t make me feel like I was worthless person at one point or another. I guess you have a tendency to get taken advantage of when you have a big heart (you also blame yourself with things fall apart or get bad because you can’t imagine the people you did so much for committing a wrongdoing against you for no reason).

Anyways, I am nearly terrified of forming close bonds with people because I know at any minute they could decide they longer like me and leave. It has happened many times in the past. It’s always the same thing: I meet someone and really click with them, we get really close, they start showing that I bother them, they stop talking to me. It’s not even that clear cut; they don’t tell me anything and they leave me hanging. What better way to find out that someone didn’t really like you?

I don’t mean to sound so juvenile or overemotional, but it’s just so difficult to accept that I do deserve to be cared about and that I may actually find that. It’s not easy to bounce back from being treated like you are useless and it’s hard to allow yourself to get close to people when you have watched the people you love the most drop you off and pretend you don’t exist.

Don’t get me wrong, I am better off without those friends people and I don’t feel much when I think about them. I don’t miss them and I wouldn’t want them back around, but it does make me think way more than it should. Through thinking and the advice and thoughts of friends sick of seeing me hurt, I am almost coming to grips with the fact that while it feels like all of the bridges that burned were my fault, it wasn’t me. Once I can completely accept that and learn fully from the past, I will truly find a happiness that can’t be shaken by my mind.