I’m not sad about the things you did to me. I’m not even hurt. At first it felt like someone had punched me in the gut. Then it stung. Now? It’s not something I will let hinder who I am. It’s difficult to not let it affect the way I handle my relationships with people, obviously, but there is no reason that I should let the hurtful and harsh words of someone destroy me.
I think the biggest result of what you did to me is that I no longer want to open up. I don’t want to tell friends how I feel or what I think because they might start casting judgments on me and leave. You, the person I allowed inside the most, took every last word I said and threw it back in my face. It is painful but it can’t hold a permanent roadblock within me.
I cried to you when I just needed a friend. You? You told me I needed therapy, told me I was clingy, told me I required too much attention, made me feel my friendship was too much to handle. Then what? You left. You up and left like all the other friends I have ever allowed myself to get close to. You told me I was stupid for how I felt and then you just left. You were my best friend and you made me feel as though I wasn’t even deserving of a friend to talk to or spend time with. You knew how I felt about deep conversations and opening up to someone that actually cares. You were the only person I opened up to. I felt I could trust you, but instead you stabbed me with the things that I entrusted you with. I decided I would never open up again. I decided I wouldn’t work to form any close relationship; dealing with another you would take too much out of me. Getting close to someone is a beautiful thing, but when there’s this constant idea that they will soon be leaving when they get sick of you, I’m not sure it’s really worth the risk.
But you know what? I’m moving past that. It’s been a quicker process that I expected, honestly, but I am doing it. You know what? I have said things that I have only said to you. I have trusted that who I am won’t push away people I feel connected to. I recently had a conversation that dug into things I only ever talked about with you. You know what? I didn’t feel judged, and while you made me feel like you cared when you wanted to, I think I might have actually found someone that gets what I’m saying. It is one thing to be a friend when you feel like, it is something completely different to be there for someone at all times. You showed me that, oh more times than I would like to admit.
I won’t let my “best friend” ruin my chances of forming a friendship with someone that not only sees all of me, but also embraces and adores the person I am. That is the ultimate goal.