I don’t like opening up.
OK, actually it’s just hard. I love opening up. I love sitting down with someone who cares about me and letting everything out. I’m a talker and I love to share what is on my mind and hear what is on the minds of the people I love. But it isn’t easy for me. After more let downs from people I have trusted than I can count, being vulnerable is terrifying. I don’t often put myself in vulnerable places and I usually keep things to myself, both good and bad.
It’s hard being good to people, open with people, only to be kicked to the side, forgotten or, worse, have what you’ve said and done thrown back at you. I’ve been on the defense for quite a while, but this past year intensified that closed off attitude even more. A lot happened, much of which I don’t care to revisit, that made me put even more of a guard up than I already had.
But, I think I am finally learning to let that guard down, to let people I love in and to understand that not everyone is bad and not all people have ill intentions. I’ve had my fair share of let downs, I’ve lost people I thought I would have forever, and I have put trust and effort into people who most definitely didn’t deserve it, but that doesn’t mean I need to close myself off forever.
Recently, I’ve begun to realize that there are good, genuine people. While I scaled back my efforts with people and swore off ever allowing myself to fully let people in or putting someone above myself, I see now that I don’t need to do that. Not everyone is deserving of my love and not everyone will see my worth and value, but the ones who do make me want to open up, make me want to share what I am feeling, and make me want to be myself without fears that they might eventually hurt me. Getting hurt is inevitable and people leave, yes, but the right ones will be there and the right ones will make all the difference when things haven’t been great.
I have so much love to give and I am so grateful to have people I can give that love to without fears I might be making a mistake.