so long, my friend

It was a bit of a shock (if that’s the right word) to log on to this blog for the first time in more than four months and see that the last post was a gleaming post of happiness and gratitude for my best friend. You see, a week ago that same friend texted me and said she was cutting ties for good.

For a week I’ve been grappling with the feelings of it, of all I need and want to say but won’t say, of what went wrong, of the pros, the cons. I’m currently out of the country so receiving the text that friendship is over and knowing that when I get back, everything will be different and there’s nothing I can do about it has been something that has been weighing on me for most of the trip, even before the text officially cutting me off came.

I guess I just don’t get it. Things had gotten bad between us, yes, but was ending it really necessary? How do you end a friendship with your best friend through text? When they are 4,000 miles away and can’t do anything about what was happening? It couldn’t have waited until I got home? We couldn’t talk in person? Yes, things were rough but it was worth ending the entire friendship via a few text messages that tried to make it seem like a far cleaner break than it was?

I need to quit dwelling, I so desperately need to quit thinking about it (and I have been doing pretty well pushing it out of my mind, though that blog post brought me right back). I’m not as much hurt as I am angry now, but more angry at myself than the friend. I don’t get it. I will never get it, but I guess it’s just something I need to deal with.

I still think we should talk in person and I still believe that would have been the right way to handle it, but if someone can cut off their best friend without enough respect to speak to them, I guess it’s not a person worth chasing or being too upset over.

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In the past few years, I’ve had best friends stop speaking to me out of no where, best friends take advantage of what I would do for them without an ounce of gratitude, best friends make me feel worthless, terrible, awful about myself. These were people I had known for years and these were people I would do anything for because I cared about them like family. While their treatment hurt me, I always rationalized it with the good and found ways to keep these people around despite the obvious ways they were using and hurting me. Years later, writing this after not speaking to many of those friends for months and even years, I am truly so thankful and content for what they have done for me, as the pain they caused me was okay, given that I would eventually meet people that treat me like a friend is supposed to treat someone they care about. My three closest friends have showed me what I’ve missed out on when I was wasting time on people that didn’t really want me around except when they needed help, and two of those people I have only known for less than a year.

Just within the past three months, a fellow editor on the school paper has become one of my best friends and one of the most important people to ever step into my life. I know that calling someone my best friend after only several months isn’t always the best decision because things like that take time to build, but sometimes you just know.  This past semester has been so difficult, overwhelming, and tiresome, but Hannah came through for me in so many ways and for that, I can safely say that yes, she is my best friend.

So this is to Hannah, my fellow penguin loving journalism friend, thank you so much. Thank you for coming into my crazy life and immediately putting up with me and being such a caring and amazing soul. Thanks for listening to me rant and rant and rant about things that aren’t 12189903_1042210202469454_1591478074431915739_neven important. Thank you for supporting and encouraging my passions as much as you do, even when I am busy beating myself up.
Thank you for being someone I can go to with everything, especially things I usually just keep to myself because I haven’t felt I’ve really had someone that I should pester with all the petty little things I talk about. I have opened up to you more than I have opened up to most people in a long time and despite the short time we have known each other, it’s like I have known you forever and can just tell you as much as I have. Thanks for being someone I can text at any time just to talk (even 4:20 in the morning). You are such a kind and caring person, and I am more than blessed to have found you and your friendship. This past semester wouldn’t have been nearly the same if we were not friends and I can’t even begin to picture how I would be 12239628_1053994351291039_5172147345383443337_nfeeling at this moment if I hadn’t had you helping me get through all the highs and lows (no matter how petty or stupid). I feel like we suddenly were such close friends, but I can’t even begin to tell you how thankful I am that things happened the way they did. I could probably go on and on about just how thankful I am. I’m just really not used to having someone that is willingly there consistently or someone that appreciates my friendship, no matter how clingy or overbearing I may be. I really do not know how I got so lucky to meet you. I hope you know that I would do anything for you and will always have your back because these past few months, you have always had mine. You are a true friend and I am certain that God placed you right by my side this semester because he knew I needed you.

This is nothing more than an appreciation post for a friend who has been one of the greatest people in my life in such a short period of time.

We met in class when we were squished next to each other. We became friends through sarcastic comments about an irritating classmates and through the purchase of a burrito. What better way to start a friendship? We discovered we had a ton in common, and from there, a close friendship bloomed. As much as we have in common and as many crazy little connections we have, I think we were definitely meant to end up in each others lives.

I had absolutely no intention of making friends this past semester, but in addition to forming a very close group of friends, met Sarah, who immediately became closer to me than many of my friends I had for years. Dare I call someone I have known for so little time a best friend? I think it applies.

I am so thankful to have a friend that I can open up to about things without being judged or told how terrible I am. 11169958_947063748650767_3213400969299907873_nBelieve it or not, I’ve heard it more than a handful of times from the people I used to allow to be close to me. I guess you have to endure the not-so-nice people to find the ones that will make you realize why every one of those past doors slammed shut. Barely a month before we met, my best friend made me feel like I was the most worthless, awful person before suddenly never speaking to me again.11137160_978760305481111_8185065764590681175_n I didn’t really think it was fair for that to happen; with all the past and all the troubles of before, it didn’t make sense. But then this past semester began and it all made sense. I have found a friendship that in months has become so important to me. The end of everything that once mattered so much to me was only making room for someone amazing. That someone is Sarah, and I have no words to say how grateful I am for her friendship. In the short time that we have been friends, she has seen my highs, cheering me on and wishing me the best, while also helping me through my sometimes very stupid lows. It’s so refreshing to have a friend that has my back. In the past few months, she has taught me more about what it means to have and be a true friend than I have ever experienced in my nearly 20 years of life. Oh, and she’s practically family. She was a blessing and I truly believe that she was placed in my life for a reason.

Why I don’t regret my matching tattoo

I have a best friend tattoo with someone I no longer speak to. I don’t even know what she is up to besides the slight updates I’ve been fed by people who are still in her life. While it’s interesting to know what’s going on with her, I don’t care to ask now. Still, I wake up every day and see that tattoo looking up at me.

Does it make me sad? No.

Do I regret it? No.

There was a point where I wanted it covered up, looked up places to get it removed, stared at it and thought about how I will always have that part of my life that is now gone. But after a while, when I stopped crying about the friendship being over, stopped being bitter, and started moving on, it hit me. That part of my life will never truly leave my memory, tattoo or not. Memories are essentially tattoos, and along with the mental impact and thoughts I will always have, I also have a physical reminder of who used to be a huge part of my life.

Similar to how I can’t erase the tattoo, I can’t erase the memories of our friendship. I can’t get rid of the good times, all the amazing times, or the low times. I don’t regret our friendship because it impacted me, it shaped me, it helped me grow. The good and the bad are both very much a part of who I am each and every day. Looking at the tattoo doesn’t weigh me down. There’s not a sadness or a sense of stupidity when I see it. When I sat down in that tattoo shop and decided to get it, I knew that I was making a lifelong commitment to that ink on my body. It didn’t matter because at that moment, I knew I would always be there for my best friend. At this point in my life, I don’t want anything to do with her and I would be content with never seeing her again, but I still will always care deeply about her. While I don’t think I could ever bring myself to do things for her like I used to when we actually had a friendship, who she is and the impact she had on me will forever be embedded in me. So no, I don’t regret the matching tattoo, and no, your opinions of the decision don’t matter. I can’t magically change my past, so I accept it and move forward with all of it leaving its various marks. That is life: a series of memories, tattoos really, that we carry forward on and on until our last breath.

An Open Letter to Someone That Never Gave Up

Alexis,
Wow, sometimes I forget we’re friends because of everything we have been through. It’s really crazy to me. All of that aside, I am so thankful for you. I know that I can be the harshest person to you for no damn reason and I am so sorry. I don’t ever mean to hurt you. I can’t thank you enough for always coming through for me. I constantly fear that one day you’re just going to get sick of me and leave my life. You have put up with so much bullshit being friends with me. All those months that we never spoke, I still wonder why you talked to me again and allowed me into your life. Even after all the times I hurt you, said terrible things, and ganged up on you, you still allowed me to be friends with you. Hell, you allowed me to be close enough to you again that I can say that you are one of my best friends. Even when we were not friends and I was working on making it look like I hated you, I still called you my best friend. There’s something about you that I love so much and I pray that you will be a part of my life forever because I truly think I would die without your friendship. You are one of the kindest people I have ever met and I mean it with everything that I have got that you don’t deserve me and all the shit that I give you, usually out of nowhere. I consider myself so lucky to have you and I am constantly grateful for every single memory we have. I look back and get so sad simply because it upsets me that I have been able to treat someone like you so awfully. I have not the slightest clue how you were able to forgive me or how you still are able to be friends with me even when I still attack you for no reason at all. You are a way better friend to me than I am to you and I feel terrible about that. Nonetheless, you have kept me from falling apart way more times than I can count and I don’t know where I would be if you weren’t there to pick up my crumpled pieces so many times. I swear one day I will make it up to you for all the things I’ve said and done (while working so hard not to add to those things). I know I have a tendency to snap on people I am closest to. Thank you so much for never leaving me even when I so easily treated you like trash. You are far from trash, Alexis, and I love you.

Battles Alone

Today was the first day of not involving my friends in my problems and handling them myself.

Doing so is never something I wanted to do; I have tried to build friendships where I can open up whenever I need to get things off my chest but it has come to the point where that no longer seems okay. Last night my best friend told me I was needy and required too much attention, was hard to be friends with, and was going to have my friends start distancing themselves from me. Holding back tears over dinner, I guess I realized it’s time to pull away from my friendships.

So that’s what I am doing. I told her I would remove myself from her life. Though she did end up replying to that, I just didn’t reply. As much as I want and need to talk to her, if I’m such a bother I need to work on myself before putting efforts into friendships. I had a really rough day and if I text her, even about something completely unrelated, I know that I will fall into crying to her and obviously that’s something I shouldn’t be doing.

I know I’m really clingy and sometimes all I need is the attention of my friends. I get so anxious and upset and I just feel so alone and all I want and need is to talk to someone that needs and understands me. I’m beginning to wonder if that’s okay in friendships or if I just need a therapist and need to keep my personal issues away from friendships at all costs (this thought comes from her mentioning when she had issues she went to therapy instead of making the people around her feel like shit). I want to be able to have close friendships that I can open up but I feel like whenever I get to that point, I get shot down and end up at stage one again.

I’m well aware that obviously I have something going on. Between being constantly stressed, paranoid, and anxious, it’s a really toxic mixture that I am working so hard to sort out but I feel as though I can’t do it on my own. But at the same time, I would much rather have a friend by my side wiping my tears and holding me and just listening to it all instead of a therapist. I would (and have done) do the same for my friends but yet I always end up feeling like I am such a huge burden and weight on the people I love most.

Has anyone else ever had this issue? Do you pull your personal life out of the friendship? Do you pull away from the friendship completely? How did you handle it? I am just so lonely and sad about the entire thing; I need my best friend but I don’t want to lose her by my neediness. I know this post is rambling and not my best writing but I’m looking for responses more than anything.

The Blessing of Distance

This is merely a post for me to sort out my own thoughts about a situation that has weighed heavy on me for a good while. It could be an explanation or a begging for understanding but since none of my family or friends see this blog, it’s my own release.

Three months ago, my best friend stopped speaking to me. There really wasn’t a fight; she just stopped. This best friend was like a sister, she was like my other half. So for three months I cried about it and whined about it and talked about it more than I would ever like to admit. I drove my family and friends up a wall with memories I shared with my best friend, with questions of why, with excuses, trying to find things wrong with her, anything to make it hurt less than it did.
Two weeks ago my best friend talked to me. The circumstances were unusual, I can honestly say I did not see it coming. But it happened. She approached me for the first time in three months, teary-eyed and apologizing a storm for hurting me. To me, none of that mattered. To me, it meant so much to finally see someone that at one point was one of the most important people in my life. My family’s reaction to hearing that she ran into me was enormously leaning towards the idea that I should never speak to her again.
Sure, maybe I could have did that; It crossed my mind a few times when I had considered how I would respond if she ever texted me. I ran replies through my head plenty of times. But standing there, still as a board, listening to my best friend say whatever she needed to say to me…I made a decision that they all seemed disappointed in me for.
It wasn’t an easy choice but as I finally got to spend a significant amount of time with someone that was once family to me, it all made sense. That best friend is so much more than someone that can just walk in and out of my life. Though she may have did that and though it may have hurt like hell, the friendship we share is something that I can’t really explain. I have never had a friendship as close as the one we share and I can say that I am both thankful and blessed that I could fill the void of losing my best friend with my best friend and a friendship that feels even stronger than it was before.