This is nothing more than an appreciation post for a friend who has been one of the greatest people in my life in such a short period of time.

We met in class when we were squished next to each other. We became friends through sarcastic comments about an irritating classmates and through the purchase of a burrito. What better way to start a friendship? We discovered we had a ton in common, and from there, a close friendship bloomed. As much as we have in common and as many crazy little connections we have, I think we were definitely meant to end up in each others lives.

I had absolutely no intention of making friends this past semester, but in addition to forming a very close group of friends, met Sarah, who immediately became closer to me than many of my friends I had for years. Dare I call someone I have known for so little time a best friend? I think it applies.

I am so thankful to have a friend that I can open up to about things without being judged or told how terrible I am. 11169958_947063748650767_3213400969299907873_nBelieve it or not, I’ve heard it more than a handful of times from the people I used to allow to be close to me. I guess you have to endure the not-so-nice people to find the ones that will make you realize why every one of those past doors slammed shut. Barely a month before we met, my best friend made me feel like I was the most worthless, awful person before suddenly never speaking to me again.11137160_978760305481111_8185065764590681175_n I didn’t really think it was fair for that to happen; with all the past and all the troubles of before, it didn’t make sense. But then this past semester began and it all made sense. I have found a friendship that in months has become so important to me. The end of everything that once mattered so much to me was only making room for someone amazing. That someone is Sarah, and I have no words to say how grateful I am for her friendship. In the short time that we have been friends, she has seen my highs, cheering me on and wishing me the best, while also helping me through my sometimes very stupid lows. It’s so refreshing to have a friend that has my back. In the past few months, she has taught me more about what it means to have and be a true friend than I have ever experienced in my nearly 20 years of life. Oh, and she’s practically family. She was a blessing and I truly believe that she was placed in my life for a reason.

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An Open Letter to Someone That Never Gave Up

Alexis,
Wow, sometimes I forget we’re friends because of everything we have been through. It’s really crazy to me. All of that aside, I am so thankful for you. I know that I can be the harshest person to you for no damn reason and I am so sorry. I don’t ever mean to hurt you. I can’t thank you enough for always coming through for me. I constantly fear that one day you’re just going to get sick of me and leave my life. You have put up with so much bullshit being friends with me. All those months that we never spoke, I still wonder why you talked to me again and allowed me into your life. Even after all the times I hurt you, said terrible things, and ganged up on you, you still allowed me to be friends with you. Hell, you allowed me to be close enough to you again that I can say that you are one of my best friends. Even when we were not friends and I was working on making it look like I hated you, I still called you my best friend. There’s something about you that I love so much and I pray that you will be a part of my life forever because I truly think I would die without your friendship. You are one of the kindest people I have ever met and I mean it with everything that I have got that you don’t deserve me and all the shit that I give you, usually out of nowhere. I consider myself so lucky to have you and I am constantly grateful for every single memory we have. I look back and get so sad simply because it upsets me that I have been able to treat someone like you so awfully. I have not the slightest clue how you were able to forgive me or how you still are able to be friends with me even when I still attack you for no reason at all. You are a way better friend to me than I am to you and I feel terrible about that. Nonetheless, you have kept me from falling apart way more times than I can count and I don’t know where I would be if you weren’t there to pick up my crumpled pieces so many times. I swear one day I will make it up to you for all the things I’ve said and done (while working so hard not to add to those things). I know I have a tendency to snap on people I am closest to. Thank you so much for never leaving me even when I so easily treated you like trash. You are far from trash, Alexis, and I love you.

Battles Alone

Today was the first day of not involving my friends in my problems and handling them myself.

Doing so is never something I wanted to do; I have¬†tried to build friendships where I can open up whenever I need to get things off my chest but it has come to the point where that no longer seems okay. Last night my best friend told me I was needy and required too much attention, was hard to be friends with, and was going to have my friends start distancing themselves from me. Holding back tears over dinner, I guess I realized it’s time to pull away from my friendships.

So that’s what I am doing. I told her I would remove myself from her life. Though she did end up replying to that, I just didn’t reply. As much as I want and need to talk to her, if I’m such a bother I need to work on myself before putting efforts into friendships. I had a really rough day and if I text her, even about something completely unrelated, I know that I will fall into crying to her and obviously that’s something I shouldn’t be doing.

I know I’m really clingy and sometimes all I need is the attention of my friends. I get so anxious and upset and I just feel so alone and all I want and need is to talk to someone that needs and understands me. I’m beginning to wonder if that’s okay in friendships or if I just need a therapist and need to keep my personal issues away from friendships at all costs (this thought comes from her mentioning when she had issues she went to therapy instead of making the people around her feel like shit). I want to be able to have close friendships that I can open up but I feel like whenever I get to that point, I get shot down and end up at stage one again.

I’m well aware that obviously I have something going on. Between being constantly stressed, paranoid, and anxious, it’s a really toxic mixture that I am working so hard to sort out but I feel as though I can’t do it on my own. But at the same time, I would much rather have a friend by my side wiping my tears and holding me and just listening to it all instead of a therapist. I would (and have done) do the same for my friends but yet I always end up feeling like I am such a huge burden and weight on the people I love most.

Has anyone else ever had this issue? Do you pull your personal life out of the friendship? Do you pull away from the friendship completely? How did you handle it? I am just so lonely and sad about the entire thing; I need my best friend but I don’t want to lose her by my neediness. I know this post is rambling and not my best writing but I’m looking for responses more than anything.

The Blessing of Distance

This is merely a post for me to sort out my own thoughts about a situation that has weighed heavy on me for a good while. It could be an explanation or a begging for understanding but since none of my family or friends see this blog, it’s my own release.

Three months ago, my best friend stopped speaking to me. There really wasn’t a fight; she just stopped. This best friend was like a sister, she was like my other half. So for three months I cried about it and whined about it and talked about it more than I would ever like to admit. I drove my family and friends up a wall with memories I shared with my best friend, with questions of why, with excuses, trying to find things wrong with her, anything to make it hurt less than it did.
Two weeks ago my best friend talked to me. The circumstances were unusual, I can honestly say I did not see it coming. But it happened. She approached me for the first time in three months, teary-eyed and apologizing a storm for hurting me. To me, none of that mattered. To me, it meant so much to finally see someone that at one point was one of the most important people in my life. My family’s reaction to hearing that she ran into me was enormously leaning towards the idea that I should never speak to her again.
Sure, maybe I could have did that; It crossed my mind a few times when I had considered how I would respond if she ever texted me. I ran replies through my head plenty of times. But standing there, still as a board, listening to my best friend say whatever she needed to say to me…I made a decision that they all seemed disappointed in me for.
It wasn’t an easy choice but as I finally got to spend a significant amount of time with someone that was once family to me, it all made sense. That best friend is so much more than someone that can just walk in and out of my life. Though she may have did that and though it may have hurt like hell, the friendship we share is something that I can’t really explain. I have never had a friendship as close as the one we share and I can say that I am both thankful and blessed that I could fill the void of losing my best friend with my best friend and a friendship that feels even stronger than it was before.

I am so thankful for my best friend Kelsey and I don’t think I have ever really expressed that much until lately. Starting from the moment we became close, she has never let me down. I can call her whenever I need someone to give me a good laugh or just listen to whatever is going on. Whether we see each other a few times a week or every other month, we always end up as close as we were in the first place.

It’s funny really, the summer we really became close. It was the summer after the school year that we had met, which was my sophomore year. She randomly called me because she wanted to hear dramatic stories and knew I would have them. Ironically I had been going through a really big situation at the time. She would call me every night and I would tell her about everything that was going on in my life. We both got a good laugh and I was able to let out all the things that had been plaguing and destroying my thoughts.

It was at that point that we started hanging out. We spent a whole lot of time together that summer (and would do the same for the following summers as well). She’s always the one to take long, random bike rides with me. I could probably write a book of all the memories and adventures we have because they’re all such great moments I am thankful for, but that would take way too long to do. Hey, maybe one day I’ll write an autobiography or something and she’ll get a good set of chapters to herself in it. Haha.

Now I’m a freshmen in college and she’s just finishing up her senior year of high school. These past few months I have really taken the time to see just how thankful I am for her and the friendship we share. I absolutely mean it when I say that I can’t imagine my life if she wasn’t a part of it. She’s more than my best friend, she’s a sister to me; she’s part of my family. My parents love her so much that I can just leave her with them to hangout when I have to go to work. She’s pretty much like one of my parents’ kids, (they’re “ma” and “pops” to her) and the other day my mom told me she’s their favorite daughter haha.

Even though both of our lives have gotten extremely busy with school and work and other commitments, we still manage to hangout and see each other and I am glad for that. I cannot wait for this summer because if it’s anything like the past summers, it will be an amazing one. I hope she can handle dealing with me every day because I’m going to show up at her house. A lot.

I don’t really hangout with many people and I don’t talk to many of my old friends, but Kelsey has always been there, thick and thin. We have only ever fought once and I’m pretty sure neither of us even count that as a fight. I’ve never had a friend as close as her and I hope she knows that I love her am so grateful for everything she does for me, and that I would do absolutely anything for her.

Life is crazy, I really have not felt myself lately, and I really am terrified of growing up and figuring everything out, but having a best friend as amazing as her really does make it easier and makes life worth living, even when it starts feeling like a waste of time. I know sometimes I haven’t been a good friend and I haven’t been there as much as I should have, and I appreciate her sticking by my side and putting up with all the extra baggage my friendship comes with. I’m just really so damn thankful.