Finally Back

It’s been way too long since I have updated this blog. When I made it, I told myself I would never abandon it (and clearly I’m not since I’m back), but life has gotten way too busy the past few months.

The last time I updated was when I was the Arts and Entertainment editor for the paper at my school. Shortly after, I became the editor-in-chief. From there, it’s been a constant packed schedule and plenty of insomnia.

It’s been the best experience though, and I hope I can update on some of my past adventures, as well as what I will be up to in the future.

 

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Progression.

For the longest time, I believed that there was no purpose for life and that being alive was a waste of time. I don’t know if I necessarily wanted to die, but I do know that nothing made me happy and I always found myself focusing on how insignificant I was. I felt like I didn’t matter to any of the people in my life and I instead was a burden in their lives. The thought of their reactions if they found out they would never see or hear from me again taunted me. Maybe it wasn’t death that would do that; I just wanted to leave far away and rebuild myself, with all of the things I considered to be so awful behind me. I felt useless. I felt hated. I thought everyone secretly hated me (plot twist, a lot of them did and their words about me, when they finally came out, didn’t really help the situation). I was completely focused on the negative aspects of my life, fully convinced that’s all it was and all it would ever be. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t happy at times, but I sure didn’t know what happiness actually felt like. Even now, happiness, true happiness, is a weird concept to me that I’m still trying to figure out. Nonetheless, I am moving further and further from that high school kid that was full of hate and sadness. I can see my life in the future. I’m no longer looking down. I have found the power to break away from the negativity and sadness that was holding me hostage. I am searching for positivity in everything and I love putting myself out there, even if it means I may get shot down. I’ve learned to take the punches that life can throw without letting my stance be broken. I want to live, I want to see what tomorrow holds, and I don’t ever want to stop moving forward.

All I Can Offer

I’d like to say I am a happy and positive person. It’s quite a change from the person I was just a few years ago, down and out, looking for the worst in things around me. I was mean. I was rude. I had some vendetta against everyone and everything. I don’t know what was wrong with me, but I seemed to think the world around me was what was wrong.

Now here I am, 20 and a junior in college, a few years away from that person that seemed to hate everything, including life itself. Here I sit, writing this with one of my closest friends beside me, and I think I can say I am happy.

I don’t think I have ever really known happiness before, or at least the true and complete happiness I am feeling now. Of course there are days when I feel low, back at the point where I feel like everything is wrong, but there is something so different here. Now, my biggest goal is to not only continue to better myself, but to improve the lives of those around me.

I have been blessed with an amazing group of people that surround me. From close friends to people I interact with here and there thanks to social media, I have discovered some of the strongest, brightest people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. These people are sweet, kind, and caring. These people deserve to be happy. But many of them aren’t, and it breaks my heart.

Knowing what it feels like to feel at the very bottom with no where to go, it truly upsets me seeing these people down at that point. I feel this need, this force telling me that I need to change lives. Even if I only put a smile on the face of one person for a moment, I think that is an accomplishment toward making a difference. Sometimes I feel as though I will come off as weird or creepy for trying to reach out for people, especially those I do not know well, but at the end of the day, I have decided that who I am and what I wish to do is important. If I feel like someone needs something, I am going to give what I can to them, putting aside the fact that they may be confused as to what my motives are.

My motives are to make and see people happy. My desire is to make friends and help those friends grow like my friends continually help me grow. My purpose is to change the world, even if that means only changing the lives of the people I have been lucky enough to cross paths with. If I am not helping people, I do not see any other reason for my existence.

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In the past few years, I’ve had best friends stop speaking to me out of no where, best friends take advantage of what I would do for them without an ounce of gratitude, best friends make me feel worthless, terrible, awful about myself. These were people I had known for years and these were people I would do anything for because I cared about them like family. While their treatment hurt me, I always rationalized it with the good and found ways to keep these people around despite the obvious ways they were using and hurting me. Years later, writing this after not speaking to many of those friends for months and even years, I am truly so thankful and content for what they have done for me, as the pain they caused me was okay, given that I would eventually meet people that treat me like a friend is supposed to treat someone they care about. My three closest friends have showed me what I’ve missed out on when I was wasting time on people that didn’t really want me around except when they needed help, and two of those people I have only known for less than a year.

Just within the past three months, a fellow editor on the school paper has become one of my best friends and one of the most important people to ever step into my life. I know that calling someone my best friend after only several months isn’t always the best decision because things like that take time to build, but sometimes you just know.  This past semester has been so difficult, overwhelming, and tiresome, but Hannah came through for me in so many ways and for that, I can safely say that yes, she is my best friend.

So this is to Hannah, my fellow penguin loving journalism friend, thank you so much. Thank you for coming into my crazy life and immediately putting up with me and being such a caring and amazing soul. Thanks for listening to me rant and rant and rant about things that aren’t 12189903_1042210202469454_1591478074431915739_neven important. Thank you for supporting and encouraging my passions as much as you do, even when I am busy beating myself up.
Thank you for being someone I can go to with everything, especially things I usually just keep to myself because I haven’t felt I’ve really had someone that I should pester with all the petty little things I talk about. I have opened up to you more than I have opened up to most people in a long time and despite the short time we have known each other, it’s like I have known you forever and can just tell you as much as I have. Thanks for being someone I can text at any time just to talk (even 4:20 in the morning). You are such a kind and caring person, and I am more than blessed to have found you and your friendship. This past semester wouldn’t have been nearly the same if we were not friends and I can’t even begin to picture how I would be 12239628_1053994351291039_5172147345383443337_nfeeling at this moment if I hadn’t had you helping me get through all the highs and lows (no matter how petty or stupid). I feel like we suddenly were such close friends, but I can’t even begin to tell you how thankful I am that things happened the way they did. I could probably go on and on about just how thankful I am. I’m just really not used to having someone that is willingly there consistently or someone that appreciates my friendship, no matter how clingy or overbearing I may be. I really do not know how I got so lucky to meet you. I hope you know that I would do anything for you and will always have your back because these past few months, you have always had mine. You are a true friend and I am certain that God placed you right by my side this semester because he knew I needed you.

A (very) short piece on passion and friendship

Passion is one of the most alluring qualities of a person and I feel truly blessed to have friends around me that are filled with passion. To me, there is no better feeling than watching how someone’s face lights up when their passion fills them or the way their voice changes for the same reason.A passionate happiness is true happiness and all I want for the people in my life is for them to be happy. As someone who is absolutely driven by passion and devoted to my passions, being surrounded by such people is truly special. There is a difference between people who are passionate and people who are not, and I believe a passionate bond is much stronger and more valuable than one that lacks such passion. I take a great deal of my happiness from watching the happiness of those around me and I see a true beauty in seeing the effects of passion the the people I call friends. I cannot even begin to explain the way observing those I am closest to experiencing their passions makes me feel. I would put the happiness of my dearest friends over my own any day, especially if I get to see them smile and laugh over something that is actually changing their life.

You Got Me: An Open Letter to My Best Friends

I know I get really busy and in over my head. If I’m not working, doing something for school or the paper, or shooting, I’m probably sleeping. I know it seems like I either don’t care at all or care way too much. When it comes down to treating you like you’re the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, it is because you are. I swear that even though I seem like I never have time for anything other than building myself, I think about you so much. I know that it probably isn’t easy to maintain a close relationship with someone who might seem like they don’t even care about you all the time, but I can promise you that every single day, I say a little ‘thank you’ for the people that I have been blessed with. While my daily communication can be slewed with stress or other problems or, the worst, sometimes nonexistent, I will always be by your side the minute you need me, whether that is figuratively or literally (and I truly hope it always comes down to literally because I would drive hours for you).

So, to my best friends, to the best people on this earth (okay, that may seem a little excessive, but to me, you are), you’ve got me if you need me. If something happens and you need me, call. Even if you just need a friend in the middle of the night, please let me know. I don’t care if I’m sleeping, out and about, working on something important, or even taking a test, I will drop any and everything because you are the ones that deserve it. I don’t really think I deserve you so I want you to see just how much I care about you. I will drop every single thing to help you because while my time may seem so limited most of the time, you deserve all the time I could possibly offer and more. Don’t hesitate to come to me because I will not hesitate to help you. I don’t allow many people to get very close to me because I like to be choosy about who I allow in; I have allowed you in because I love you and I would do anything, absolutely anything, to be there when life gets rough or you’re just feeling alone. That is what friendship is all about, and while working my butt off to work towards my goals is great, these bonds we share mean so much more than a success on paper.

No matter what, you have me.

This Wild Little Dream

I’m starting off with the generic thing I see some variation of plastered all over social media at random points of the year:
If you had told me this was what my life would be a few years ago, I would have thought you were crazy.

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Shooting a concert with my best friend Aubree last fall

I never would have expected to be where I am in the least. From the days of awkwardly holding a camera and pretending I knew what I was doing because I could control the ISO and didn’t have to shoot with the flash up, to slowly figuring out how to control the shutter speed and so on, there was never a moment I sat down and thought, “Wow, one day this camera could become the object my entire life revolves around.” When I wrapped my hand around the kit lens that came with my first DSLR, I didn’t even imagine that one day I would invest in a lens that would not only make my arm fall asleep, but capture photos that would get my images plastered all over the place. When I took up journalism, it was writing that drew me to the field; I didn’t think photos would tie into that deal. I loved taking photos but I didn’t see myself as a photographer. You know what? I still sometimes don’t.

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On the field before shooting the Michigan football game

When I shot my first set of senior pictures, I was thrilled but I thought that was it. When I shot my first concert, I couldn’t contain my happiness but, scared and lost in the photo pit, I was certain it wouldn’t happen again. When I shot a concert with my best friend, I felt something so powerful about photography and the friendship formed partially by it. When I shot my first festival, a pride filled me that I could never explain nor replicate. And the day I walked out onto the field of Michigan Stadium clutching my camera and staring in awe at the audience, nothing could compare. These feelings that I was on the wrong path or that I was going no where seemed to be plaguing me but in that moment, it all made perfect sense to me. My camera, my passion, again reminded me that there is value and purpose in my life. More importantly, I was allowed to show my passion to those around me in a way that could translate both to those close to me and strangers alike.

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Spending time with one of my best friends, Sarah, during the halftime of a Michigan game

Through a camera and some dreams I thought I wouldn’t see beyond sleep, I have been able to find myself. Who I thought I was and what I wanted was shaken up right before my very eyes. With every single opportunity that has come my way, I have discovered what matters to me, what brings me true happiness, and what has the power to change my mood and my mind. For some, following my accomplishments is something they enjoy and they are readily willing to share their approval with me. For me, knowing that I have support and love out there is one of the most beautiful things. While I still struggle through not knowing exactly what I want out of this life, it is so comforting to know that my joy isn’t something I have to enjoy alone.