I don’t actually know what I’m going to write in this post, I just felt the need to write. To write something personal, something that’s me, to stop and think about my thoughts and feelings and such for a little bit. Haven’t done that in a while.
Well. I’ve been in college for six months now. That’s cool and all. Weird, different, sometimes a bit odd, but cool nonetheless. I like it. This semester is killing me already, but hey, it’s not high school so that’s good, right? Work, work destroys me nearly every time I work. I think it’s probably just the fact that I have to deal with people that treat me with absolutely no respect and seem to always get stuck dealing with problems and such and it’s overwhelming. At least I’ve gotten close with a few of my coworkers that make the experience so much better. I wouldn’t say they’re coworkers, they’re definitely friends and I am so blessed to have them around me.
Myself? I’m okay. I’m happy sometimes, I’m sad sometimes. I usually don’t know what I feel and I guess that’s probably normal for most teenagers. I guess I’m just still searching for a lot, while letting myself get hung up on things that are long gone, unchangeable, and undeserving of my attention. Mostly, I’m lonely. I guess I would much rather be lonely than surrounded by people that don’t actually care as much as I care about them, but either way, caring more can be a problem, whether the person is around or not. Beyond the point. Okay back to what I was saying, I’m lonely. But not lonely in the “oh I had lunch by myself a few times” way. Heck, that doesn’t even happen too much anymore. I’ve found a good circle of friends since college started, people I love to death already, in addition to work friends, and the group of friends I still have from high school. That doesn’t stop me from feeling so utterly alone that sometimes it really does scare me.
I just need to pick up a friend and take a long drive of just talking. Or a long walk. Talking about anything and everything. That used to keep me sane and that doesn’t happen anymore and maybe that’s driving me to this empty feeling. I guess everyone is just growing up, becoming preoccupied with commitments. Hell, I’m doing the same, I’ve done the same, and I feel awful about it, but at this point I feel like there’s no turning back. What’s it matter anyways? They’re probably already too busy for me anyhow. I’ve spent so much time focusing on growing up and making myself better that I’ve completely forgotten to stop and enjoy what is (or was) beside me. I suppose that in a way, the growing up is making me happy but I still want to cling to the small remnants of what used to be. When they only appear once in a great while, I begin to miss what used to be so badly.
That’s life. Or rather, that’s life? I don’t know what life is, I don’t know what the point is, or why we’re all here. Perhaps no one knows because is someone did, maybe this world wouldn’t be such a screwed up place. So much hate and envy and violence among people-I really don’t get it. It scares me and makes me upset, I don’t want to go out and trust and grow and love when someone could be waiting to destroy you and you have not the slightest clue. Everyone is fighting demons but it seems as though no one else really cares or stops to assist others. Or at least they care but they have their own demons to slay, they really don’t have time to take on the hardships of others. It’s understandable.
I don’t want all the answers to life, but it’d be nice to have sort of grasp of what the purpose is, ya know? We live, we work, we die. Is there purpose in that? Am I missing something? Essentially me being in college is me paying a large amount of money just to get a job that will escort me to my grave somewhere down the road. Well, that’s a pretty depressing thought. At least I’m trying to get a job that will make me happy, even if it may not pay as well as other careers. Who cares? I’m going to die anyways so who really cares how much money I have?
That’s another thing: Death. I don’t like it. Well I mean no one does, but have you ever stopped and thought about when you might die? It could be years from now. It could be in a few years. It could be tomorrow. Something could come out of nowhere and just end your life. It doesn’t make sense and it’s not fair. You, the people you love, anyone could be gone tomorrow without us ever getting the chance to say goodbye. To me, that’s one of the worst parts of life. Even worse? There’s no way to stop it. We can live healthy lives and be extra careful to maybe put it off, but there is no stopping it.
I used to be really sappy because of that very fact, but many of my friends have made me feel so awful about telling my feelings that I don’t even bother doing it anymore. I know I will probably end up regretting that when it’s all said and done, but I guess I’ll just avoid the criticism. I love my friends so much. I care about them with all I’ve got and would give anything for them, but do they know that? Probably not. They don’t want to know that. Or at least that’s what they’ve made evident to me.
I start getting close to new people and really like them a great amount, but they most likely have no idea because I keep my emotions so hush that it’s not noticeable. I feel like not saying how you feel or showing people how you feel is some sort of new fad. People don’t want to know how great you think they are, how much you love them, how you’d take a bullet for them. Surely I’d love to know these things, would love for someone to tell me these things, but it seems not many other people would. I’ve literally been laughed at for telling people how I feel and that belittles me so much. I don’t like holding my emotions in but I’m forced to and that probably adds a lot to the way I feel and think lately.
I’m not giving up, I’m just trying to move on. But from what? The person I am, I’m forced to move on from my personality. Is that even possible?
I guess I’m just having a bad night. Although I usually end up feeling this way every night, so what’s that supposed to mean? This is just the first time in a long time that I’ve actually sat down and wrote. It feels so good to do so. I could probably go on and on (and actually want to) but I’m tired and really stressed about school, so I better get some sleep. I can’t control how things are going, especially when other people are involved so heavily, but at least I can attempt to control my grades and I guess that counts for something.