so long, my friend

It was a bit of a shock (if that’s the right word) to log on to this blog for the first time in more than four months and see that the last post was a gleaming post of happiness and gratitude for my best friend. You see, a week ago that same friend texted me and said she was cutting ties for good.

For a week I’ve been grappling with the feelings of it, of all I need and want to say but won’t say, of what went wrong, of the pros, the cons. I’m currently out of the country so receiving the text that friendship is over and knowing that when I get back, everything will be different and there’s nothing I can do about it has been something that has been weighing on me for most of the trip, even before the text officially cutting me off came.

I guess I just don’t get it. Things had gotten bad between us, yes, but was ending it really necessary? How do you end a friendship with your best friend through text? When they are 4,000 miles away and can’t do anything about what was happening? It couldn’t have waited until I got home? We couldn’t talk in person? Yes, things were rough but it was worth ending the entire friendship via a few text messages that tried to make it seem like a far cleaner break than it was?

I need to quit dwelling, I so desperately need to quit thinking about it (and I have been doing pretty well pushing it out of my mind, though that blog post brought me right back). I’m not as much hurt as I am angry now, but more angry at myself than the friend. I don’t get it. I will never get it, but I guess it’s just something I need to deal with.

I still think we should talk in person and I still believe that would have been the right way to handle it, but if someone can cut off their best friend without enough respect to speak to them, I guess it’s not a person worth chasing or being too upset over.

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And so it goes…

My mom used to joke that every time I made a good friend, they moved away. As much of a joke it was, it was sadly the truth when I was growing up. It seemed like whenever I would find a person that I really liked and got along with, they would end up moving and I would never hear from them again. This was especially true with a friend of mine that moved in elementary (I believe it was after third grade but it may have been during fourth grade, I don’t recall). I don’t recall much from elementary school, but I remember her, Mackenzie. We were good friends and I was devastated when I found out she was moving. I knew that we would probably never see each other again. Life goes on, right?

It’s been over ten years since I’ve seen her, though I did try a few Facebook searches throughout the years, all coming up empty. This was the case until a few weeks ago.

Me and a friend were talking about the past and people that moved from elementary. I had brought up Mackenzie, not knowing the two had been really good friends in school. That made her immediately search Facebook, coming up with a page of a girl in Michigan that could possibly pass as the Mackenzie we were both friends with so long ago. We both sent friend requests, pondered about whether it was her or not, and left it at that. I sent a message as well, but since we weren’t friends and had no mutual friends, the message didn’t deliver.

After a couple weeks had passed with no response, I simply forgot. That is until a few days ago when a notification popped up that she had accepted my friend request, along with my friend’s and another person we had went to school with. I finally got myself to send her another message, to which she responded immediately, not only confirming who she was, but saying that she would be up for getting together when she comes back from a trip. I haven’t smiled as big as I did when I read that message in a long time.

I think what is most significant about the whole situation is how I truly thought I would never speak to her again. Back ten or eleven years ago, I didn’t have a computer, there was no Facebook. Someone moved and they were gone. She was gone. I’m not even sure how much she actually remembers me, but it’s so important to me that I was finally able to come across her and talk to her. Even with my periodic searches for her on the internet, never did I think that I would find her. It’s just so beyond crazy to me how life works. It’s strange to think that I know what most of the people I went to elementary with turned into because they were still around, yet there’s people that just disappeared. I’m just so happy about this whole situation. It’s something I have been trying to put into words, but this post isn’t even near what I am thinking or feeling. Either way, social media is really cool and I cannot stop smiling.

Mentally Destroyed.

“You’re stupid.”

“What about my grades and how well I’m doing in school? What about my articles and my photography?”

“Grades don’t matter.”

I am so sick and tired of being mentally destroyed by my family. These are the people I live with. These are the people that are supposed to love me. I don’t do a thing to them and they still find ways to make me out to be this horrible, idiotic monster. I’m 19 years old and yet I feel like every decision I make is being scrutinized.

I know that no one can judge me and it’s my own life to live but it’s so hard when the people you live with are constantly slaying you with their words over the decisions you make. It is so damn exhausting. No matter what I do, I will always be wrong in their eyes. That’s one thing, it’s a complete other thing to be so harassed for it. I know they don’t agree with all my decisions and I know they don’t completely support me like they claim to but to put me down and try to hurt, that’s when it crosses lines with me. It’s like who I am will never be good enough for them unless I have something to offer them. They criticize me over the friends I have, yet they make me feel as bad, if not worse, than the people I choose to associate with have made me feel.

My friends always leave me and my family always find things wrong with me that they can throw in my face at random intervals. It makes me wonder what is wrong with me and honestly, it makes me wish I was dead. If my own family isn’t going to love and support me, then who is going to? It’s like whenever I am happy or am having a good day, they see an opportunity to swoop in and crumble up my mood and make me feel like I am the scum of the earth. I wish with everything that I had the money to move out because as much as I’ve planned to live at home until I graduate college, I do not think I will mentally be able to handle it.

From an Ending to a Beginning

Well, well, well, it’s been a little while since I’ve posted. I guess keeping a steady blog isn’t the easiest when juggling a job, school, newspaper, magazine, and leadership position…but nonetheless things have happened and writing is the one way I can sort myself out.

So here we go…My last post talked about my tattoo best friend that I no longer talk to. Yeah, that hiatus went on three months straight, about a month to a month and a half of which included me reaching out multiple times with not a single response. Eventually I cut her out of my life and put my time into things I love and my other friendships. It hurt, but I was able to deal.

As time passed, I would still stop and think about her and our memories fairly often but I knew that friendship was over so I brushed them off and went on with my own life. Three months and I am fine, doing amazing things and having a great time along the way; I am happy, I am carefree, and I am doing all the things I love. I hit a point where I was certain we were never going to speak again and I had even stopped thinking of what I would say if she ever tried to speak to me again.

That brings me to a few nights ago…

While spending some time hanging out around Detroit after shooting a concert of one of my favorite bands, my friend, my brother, and I decide to go get some food at a little taco joint downtown. I get out of the car, give my friend the money to put in the meter, and walk up to the restaurant. It’s at that moment that my brother comes inside to tell me someone is “here to see me”.

I turn around, face to face with my (ex) best friend, who had ran down the street the minute she noticed me, pushing my friend out of the way as she rushed into the restaurant. I, of course, get placed into a position of complete shock and confusion.

“I miss you,” she says, grabbing and giving me the hardest hug I have ever felt.

“You fucked me over a lot,” is all I can utter.

“I know,” followed by apologies and lots of near crying. I continue to stand still, only moving to grab her wrist when she sticks the “3005” tattoo up in the air.

Now, a few days have passed and pretty much everyone that knew about our falling out (if you can even call it that), knows about our encounter. The overwhelming reaction is that I should have just walked away and left it at that. I didn’t though. We got dinner and talked A LOT a few days later. I know that accepting someone back into my life that so easily left is a difficult decision. I know that I’m inviting myself to potentially get hurt again. I know I look stupid to the people that heard my crying over and over and over and over and over….again for months. I am well aware and not very receptive of the opinions anymore.

I guess it’s one of those things where I had to sit down and think. Oh and believe me, over the past three months I have done so much thinking. Our friendship ended at such a rough patch for me and I was completely lost for a good while. I didn’t have my best friend and nothing could seem to mend that. I was so dependent on having that one person fix me and they left. I think that point is so very important. I put all my happiness into a friendship and a person whose life was progressively getting a lot different than my own. After the initial pain of what happened, I picked myself up and made the best out of the situations I faced.

As we came back together a few days ago, I learned of a lot that she was going through while I talked about how the past few months of my life have been going. Though it hurt like hell to suddenly lose one of the most important people in my life, I don’t think that I would have been able to fix myself and find my own happiness had we been friends during that time period. Only recently have I been able to say that I am 100% satisfied with my life and who I am. And it is then that suddenly my best friend was back standing in front of me.

I may never truly know all the reasons for why it happened like it did but I can say that I do believe everything happened for a reason and something placed us both on that same street on that night, a night where I had just finished doing something I love and a night that I could find nothing wrong with my life.

Lay All Your Troubles Down

I don’t actually know what I’m going to write in this post, I just felt the need to write. To write something personal, something that’s me, to stop and think about my thoughts and feelings and such for a little bit. Haven’t done that in a while.

Well. I’ve been in college for six months now. That’s cool and all. Weird, different, sometimes a bit odd, but cool nonetheless. I like it. This semester is killing me already, but hey, it’s not high school so that’s good, right? Work, work destroys me nearly every time I work. I think it’s probably just the fact that I have to deal with people that treat me with absolutely no respect and seem to always get stuck dealing with problems and such and it’s overwhelming. At least I’ve gotten close with a few of my coworkers that make the experience so much better. I wouldn’t say they’re coworkers, they’re definitely friends and I am so blessed to have them around me.

Myself? I’m okay. I’m happy sometimes, I’m sad sometimes. I usually don’t know what I feel and I guess that’s probably normal for most teenagers. I guess I’m just still searching for a lot, while letting myself get hung up on things that are long gone, unchangeable, and undeserving of my attention. Mostly, I’m lonely. I guess I would much rather be lonely than surrounded by people that don’t actually care as much as I care about them, but either way, caring more can be a problem, whether the person is around or not. Beyond the point. Okay back to what I was saying, I’m lonely. But not lonely in the “oh I had lunch by myself a few times” way. Heck, that doesn’t even happen too much anymore. I’ve found a good circle of friends since college started, people I love to death already, in addition to work friends, and the group of friends I still have from high school. That doesn’t stop me from feeling so utterly alone that sometimes it really does scare me.

I just need to pick up a friend and take a long drive of just talking. Or a long walk. Talking about anything and everything. That used to keep me sane and that doesn’t happen anymore and maybe that’s driving me to this empty feeling. I guess everyone is just growing up, becoming preoccupied with commitments. Hell, I’m doing the same, I’ve done the same, and I feel awful about it, but at this point I feel like there’s no turning back. What’s it matter anyways? They’re probably already too busy for me anyhow. I’ve spent so much time focusing on growing up and making myself better that I’ve completely forgotten to stop and enjoy what is (or was) beside me. I suppose that in a way, the growing up is making me happy but I still want to cling to the small remnants of what used to be. When they only appear once in a great while, I begin to miss what used to be so badly.

That’s life. Or rather, that’s life? I don’t know what life is, I don’t know what the point is, or why we’re all here. Perhaps no one knows because is someone did, maybe this world wouldn’t be such a screwed up place. So much hate and envy and violence among people-I really don’t get it. It scares me and makes me upset, I don’t want to go out and trust and grow and love when someone could be waiting to destroy you and you have not the slightest clue. Everyone is fighting demons but it seems as though no one else really cares or stops to assist others. Or at least they care but they have their own demons to slay, they really don’t have time to take on the hardships of others. It’s understandable.

I don’t want all the answers to life, but it’d be nice to have sort of grasp of what the purpose is, ya know? We live, we work, we die. Is there purpose in that? Am I missing something? Essentially me being in college is me paying a large amount of money just to get a job that will escort me to my grave somewhere down the road. Well, that’s a pretty depressing thought. At least I’m trying to get a job that will make me happy, even if it may not pay as well as other careers. Who cares? I’m going to die anyways so who really cares how much money I have?

That’s another thing: Death. I don’t like it. Well I mean no one does, but have you ever stopped and thought about when you might die? It could be years from now. It could be in a few years. It could be tomorrow. Something could come out of nowhere and just end your life. It doesn’t make sense and it’s not fair. You, the people you love, anyone could be gone tomorrow without us ever getting the chance to say goodbye. To me, that’s one of the worst parts of life. Even worse? There’s no way to stop it. We can live healthy lives and be extra careful to maybe put it off, but there is no stopping it.

I used to be really sappy because of that very fact, but many of my friends have made me feel so awful about telling my feelings that I don’t even bother doing it anymore. I know I will probably end up regretting that when it’s all said and done, but I guess I’ll just avoid the criticism. I love my friends so much. I care about them with all I’ve got and would give anything for them, but do they know that? Probably not. They don’t want to know that. Or at least that’s what they’ve made evident to me.

I start getting close to new people and really like them a great amount, but they most likely have no idea because I keep my emotions so hush that it’s not noticeable. I feel like not saying how you feel or showing people how you feel is some sort of new fad. People don’t want to know how great you think they are, how much you love them, how you’d take a bullet for them. Surely I’d love to know these things, would love for someone to tell me these things, but it seems not many other people would. I’ve literally been laughed at for telling people how I feel and that belittles me so much. I don’t like holding my emotions in but I’m forced to and that probably adds a lot to the way I feel and think lately.

I’m not giving up, I’m just trying to move on. But from what? The person I am, I’m forced to move on from my personality. Is that even possible?

I guess I’m just having a bad night. Although I usually end up feeling this way every night, so what’s that supposed to mean? This is just the first time in a long time that I’ve actually sat down and wrote. It feels so good to do so. I could probably go on and on (and actually want to) but I’m tired and really stressed about school, so I better get some sleep. I can’t control how things are going, especially when other people are involved so heavily, but at least I can attempt to control my grades and I guess that counts for something.

Goodnight.

 

I’ve had a good amount of friends throughout my life, but I think it’s safe to say that I’ve never really clicked with many people. I had a “best friend” for 6 years. We were more about fun, no real connections. Plus, she was also subtly putting me down. I had another friend for about 3 years. I swear I thought we were going to be friends forever. But we had no real common interests. We just spent time together and talked about our days, but the more we got to know each other, the less we really knew each other. That friendship ended back in May and sure did crush me. That brings me to now (or at least a few months ago), searching for someone who wasn’t just a person to fill my boring days with. At my graduation party my friend brought one of her friends (that I had hung out a few times with when my friend brought me over there). It all began when I brought my camera outside. We talked about what kind it was, where I got it, and such. We also realized we have similar music tastes. It continued when it was discovered that she wants to go to the same school I do for the same exact thing I want to (journalism). Now, we hangout regularly, going on photography adventures and shopping trips for vintage cameras. After having so many shallow friendships, it sure is nice to have someone to hangout with that actually enjoys what I do and doesn’t mind when I talk about things I’m passionate about. I know we haven’t been friends for very long at all, but I’m so thankful to have met her.