Progression.

For the longest time, I believed that there was no purpose for life and that being alive was a waste of time. I don’t know if I necessarily wanted to die, but I do know that nothing made me happy and I always found myself focusing on how insignificant I was. I felt like I didn’t matter to any of the people in my life and I instead was a burden in their lives. The thought of their reactions if they found out they would never see or hear from me again taunted me. Maybe it wasn’t death that would do that; I just wanted to leave far away and rebuild myself, with all of the things I considered to be so awful behind me. I felt useless. I felt hated. I thought everyone secretly hated me (plot twist, a lot of them did and their words about me, when they finally came out, didn’t really help the situation). I was completely focused on the negative aspects of my life, fully convinced that’s all it was and all it would ever be. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t happy at times, but I sure didn’t know what happiness actually felt like. Even now, happiness, true happiness, is a weird concept to me that I’m still trying to figure out. Nonetheless, I am moving further and further from that high school kid that was full of hate and sadness. I can see my life in the future. I’m no longer looking down. I have found the power to break away from the negativity and sadness that was holding me hostage. I am searching for positivity in everything and I love putting myself out there, even if it means I may get shot down. I’ve learned to take the punches that life can throw without letting my stance be broken. I want to live, I want to see what tomorrow holds, and I don’t ever want to stop moving forward.

Something really cool

As previously posted about, I recently regained contact with a friend I thought I would never speak to again. She moved after third grade. It has been over 10 years since I last saw her or spoke to her. After finding her again and talking for a while, we had the opportunity to meet up again.11811352_994637997226675_6778961908369659287_n

I didn’t really know what to expect. Given the fact our plans included a daylong music festival, it meant that the day would either be really awkward and long, or a good time. It was definitely the latter and I am so happy about that.

From the minute she picked me up, we were talking, reminiscing, and laughing about how crazy the whole situation was. I mean, out of no where all these people she used to go to school with just start adding her on Facebook. Anyways, we headed to downtown Detroit, where she bought us lunch (I picked up dinner at a food truck at the festival). Lunch was full of more talks of the past and stories of things that have happened throughout the years. Once at the festival, she met my friend and I met hers. It was funny being introduced as a friend from third grade who basically just showed up, but the reactions to the scenario were also sweet. Overall, the day was full of good conversation, good food, and good music. I don’t think there was ever a moment that things were awkward.

I am just so happy about the day because from what I remember, she was a person that really had some sort of impact on my memory back when we were kids. When I finally got to talk to her through Facebook, it was nice but I didn’t think much would come from it. After an awesome and eventful day, I am just so glad we came in contact again. Plenty of time has passed, but we still spent today like we’ve known each other forever. I just wanted to share a little update on my previous post, though words can’t really even begin to represent how happy I am that I was finally able to talk to and see a friend I had accepted I would never see again. Life is really crazy.

Words as weapons

I was bullied in elementary, middle school, and part of high school. They made fun of me because I wore glasses, made fun of my hair, my clothes, my weight, told me I was annoying, even made fun of me because I got good grades.

There was teasing that seemed to pass as “harmless”. There were “friends” that would join in on the hurtful remarks. It was often and it was malicious. There were even instances where I was physically pushed around by the people that saw themselves as better than me; I was pushed off a chair while standing on it, picked up by my shirt and thrown down, etc. I usually had no choice but to laugh along. That, or be made fun of for reacting like a “baby”. I don’t really know which is worse but I do know I had a mix of reactions.

I had few friends in elementary school. The ones I really liked usually moved away. I spent a lot of time alone or trying to make friends with the people that would eventually join in on some sort of teasing. I dealt with it. I begged to change schools or be home schooled so I didn’t have to deal with the same people after elementary. In middle school, I had more friends, but with more friends came more people I really cared about hurting me. I can still remember the exact insults some of my closest friends would use on me. High school, more friends, but then the insults started behind my back. These usually circled around my weight. I can look back and feel proud of the changes in my weight, but at that point I was full of hate for the way I looked and having friends constantly go on about it definitely did not help. Oh, and did I mention they liked to make it known that I annoyed them and was only someone they mildly tolerated?

I was irritating and weird, so I became the deserving target of these actions. Or so I thought.

It took me years, until my junior year of high school, to realize that I deserved better. I was a target for things I could not control. I could control it, though. I could control my friend group. I could try and distance myself from what was ultimately breaking me. Of course, this was far easier said than done. It took a lot of energy out of me initially, but I kept telling myself that I was better than what I was receiving. I deserved to be happy. I couldn’t keep letting myself be dragged into these dark fits of pain over some people that were irrelevant. I had to pull myself out of the notions that I should be gone. Lives would be easier if I wasn’t here. I shouldn’t be around. I forced myself to break free of my taunters.

But it should never be that way.

Someone should never have to go to school and worry about being taunted, pushed around, or insulted. Someone should be able to wear the clothes that their family bought them without being made fun of for years on end. We should be able to feel comfortable in our own skin.

For the most part, I am now happy with who I am but, against all my efforts, the bullying has negatively affected me. I still worry about petty appearance issues. I still feel like people are staring at me if I don’t look my best. If I hear laughing around me, I immediately think it is directed at me. I scold myself if I have sweets, and I feel bad if I talk too much or tell stories to my friends. I know that in the big scheme of things, these issues are minor and don’t mean much, but to my mind, they have felt massive.

In college, I have really found where I belong, but despite all my efforts to let go of the negativity of days passed, it still remains. Almost 20-years-old and I can say that I have learned and grown from my experiences. The greatest thing I have learned is that words hurt. Words hurt like hell. Hands can inflict pain that heals, but words can create cuts that remain open or at least nagging to some extent. Be choosy with your words. Realize that what you say can change a person’s entire perspective for good or for bad. It is so easy to spew hate for laughs, but when the laughing ceases, the aftermath can be devastating. Be nice.

It’s time.

Sometimes I feel like things are moving forward, while other times I feel as though I have hit a standstill. I’m only 18 so I probably shouldn’t worry about my future a huge amount, but at the same time it’s as if I’m supposed to already have my entire life figured out and was supposed to the minute I got my diploma handed to me last June. Sure, I have a good idea what I want to do and I have made great strides towards my future these past few months, but there’s always that nagging fear that something is going to go horribly wrong and I am going to lose everything I’ve worked so hard for.

I am so fearful of not being good enough-not good enough for my career, for school, for my friends, for anything. It’s probably a feeling a lot of people my age feel but it is so stressful and worrying about one aspect I may not be good enough for only pushes me to be more worked up about the other parts. It is so exhausting. I think I let myself get so worked up over hypothetical situations based off my past experiences. For instance, one of my biggest fears is that everyone is going to leave me. They are going to get sick of me and not want me around anymore; everyone always does. It’s a particularly silly notion to have in my head, considering how the people in my life now have been there for me every single time I have needed someone and have never let me down, but I still feel like I’m pretty irritating. Would I put up with me? Probably not. I give major props to everyone who has stuck around me, especially my best friend because she definitely takes way too many of my hits that shouldn’t even be coming her way. I don’t know why she puts up with me but I guess that I’ve finally found the meaning of true friendship in the friendship we share.

I don’t know why I let the littlest things get to me. I have so far to go and nothing now, absolutely nothing now is saying, “You won’t make it. This is wrong. Stop now. Failure. You are going to lose.” 

Nothing…but my own mind. I don’t know if that fact is comforting or terrifying. Why do people bother to take life so seriously? I think about that quite often…we’re all going to die one day so why not enjoy what we have and stop stressing about when it could be gone? Take it all in, take none of it for granted. I need to take my own advice and readjust my own mindset when it starts getting chaotic. I have so much to be thankful for and there is so much for me to enjoy. I’m done fearing what could be and I’m done being negative about everything. There is so much for me to be happy about. There are people that care about me, whether I get why anyone would ever want to be around me or not, they care and they want to spend time with me and they want to see me happy. Hey, I want to see me happy too and instead of stressing and worrying about things that are so far in the future, I’m going to dedicate my time to the people I love and that love me, while working towards happiness. 

I’ve let my worries out, now this is my promise-my promise to myself, my promise to the people that are there for me; it is time to drop my insecurities, it is time to start living life as if it could all end at any time, while not even worrying about that rather true fact. It’s time to start living. It’s time to be happy. I’m not alone and there is nothing in my way.

Growth.

Growing up is one of the weirdest, difficult, most rewarding experiences. Every single thing you do is part of growing up.

Think about it-no matter what you do, time keeps passing and we keep aging. There is no way to stop that or go back and change that, but that’s probably for the best. It’s only on certain occasions that I sit and look back on the time that has passed by me and it is those times that I think. I think a lot. I get upset, I get disgruntled. I focus on things that went wrong and things that could have happened and what-ifs. And you know what? Even after all that thinking, I always come to the conclusion that where I am now is exactly where I want to be and my past doesn’t belong with me now, except for the bits and pieces that have shaped and influenced who I am at this very moment. 

I’ve lost friends, I’ve grown away from people, I’ve walked away from things that I once wanted so badly. I’ve lost a lot, but for everything I’ve left behind, I’ve gained something so much more valuable. I’ve learned so much in 18 years of life and when I get down on myself, I just remember all the experiences that have come out of such a relatively short period of time.

And life’s just like that; things are going to keep changing and time is going to keep passing by and I’m going to keep learning. It might not be the greatest joy at all times, but it’s life and I’m thankful to have that at least.

I’m thankful for the family that is actually still in my life, my small group of friends that have had my back since day one, my best friend that somehow manages to put up with all the highs and lows I encounter and deals with them right there next to me, the education I’m receiving, the people I’ve met (and all the people I have yet to meet), and every single breath I take.

I just sometimes really forget to live in the moment. I get really panicky and fail to appreciate what’s right in front of me. I always say that everything happens for a reason but sometimes I let my fears and doubts get in the way of that belief. Hey, I guess that’s because I’m still growing. We never stop growing.

One Year.

In less than a week, I will be done with my first year of college. That fact is both a relief and utterly terrifying. I feel like I just graduated high school. It was just last night that I was walking across the football field receiving my diploma.

High school flew by and I was always told that it just keeps going faster after graduation. To be honest, I didn’t think it could go any faster than the 2012-13 school year, but damn was I wrong.

This first year of college has been an adventure that I am so thankful to have been able to experience. Though I didn’t know what to expect when I first walked onto campus a few months, I am excited with what I was able to get involved in and cannot wait to see what the future holds.

I have met such amazing people, from my classmates to my professors to musicians and even an Academy winning screenwriter. I’ve interviewed bands and shot shows and have attended a movie premiere. I’ve joined a team of amazing writers to help put out a magazine that I find awesome.

I’ve balanced school and work and writing for the paper and writing for the magazine and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Freshmen year was such a crazy mix of experiences. I can only hope time slows down a tiny bit so I have the opportunity to enjoy it all to its full potential. 

Lay All Your Troubles Down

I don’t actually know what I’m going to write in this post, I just felt the need to write. To write something personal, something that’s me, to stop and think about my thoughts and feelings and such for a little bit. Haven’t done that in a while.

Well. I’ve been in college for six months now. That’s cool and all. Weird, different, sometimes a bit odd, but cool nonetheless. I like it. This semester is killing me already, but hey, it’s not high school so that’s good, right? Work, work destroys me nearly every time I work. I think it’s probably just the fact that I have to deal with people that treat me with absolutely no respect and seem to always get stuck dealing with problems and such and it’s overwhelming. At least I’ve gotten close with a few of my coworkers that make the experience so much better. I wouldn’t say they’re coworkers, they’re definitely friends and I am so blessed to have them around me.

Myself? I’m okay. I’m happy sometimes, I’m sad sometimes. I usually don’t know what I feel and I guess that’s probably normal for most teenagers. I guess I’m just still searching for a lot, while letting myself get hung up on things that are long gone, unchangeable, and undeserving of my attention. Mostly, I’m lonely. I guess I would much rather be lonely than surrounded by people that don’t actually care as much as I care about them, but either way, caring more can be a problem, whether the person is around or not. Beyond the point. Okay back to what I was saying, I’m lonely. But not lonely in the “oh I had lunch by myself a few times” way. Heck, that doesn’t even happen too much anymore. I’ve found a good circle of friends since college started, people I love to death already, in addition to work friends, and the group of friends I still have from high school. That doesn’t stop me from feeling so utterly alone that sometimes it really does scare me.

I just need to pick up a friend and take a long drive of just talking. Or a long walk. Talking about anything and everything. That used to keep me sane and that doesn’t happen anymore and maybe that’s driving me to this empty feeling. I guess everyone is just growing up, becoming preoccupied with commitments. Hell, I’m doing the same, I’ve done the same, and I feel awful about it, but at this point I feel like there’s no turning back. What’s it matter anyways? They’re probably already too busy for me anyhow. I’ve spent so much time focusing on growing up and making myself better that I’ve completely forgotten to stop and enjoy what is (or was) beside me. I suppose that in a way, the growing up is making me happy but I still want to cling to the small remnants of what used to be. When they only appear once in a great while, I begin to miss what used to be so badly.

That’s life. Or rather, that’s life? I don’t know what life is, I don’t know what the point is, or why we’re all here. Perhaps no one knows because is someone did, maybe this world wouldn’t be such a screwed up place. So much hate and envy and violence among people-I really don’t get it. It scares me and makes me upset, I don’t want to go out and trust and grow and love when someone could be waiting to destroy you and you have not the slightest clue. Everyone is fighting demons but it seems as though no one else really cares or stops to assist others. Or at least they care but they have their own demons to slay, they really don’t have time to take on the hardships of others. It’s understandable.

I don’t want all the answers to life, but it’d be nice to have sort of grasp of what the purpose is, ya know? We live, we work, we die. Is there purpose in that? Am I missing something? Essentially me being in college is me paying a large amount of money just to get a job that will escort me to my grave somewhere down the road. Well, that’s a pretty depressing thought. At least I’m trying to get a job that will make me happy, even if it may not pay as well as other careers. Who cares? I’m going to die anyways so who really cares how much money I have?

That’s another thing: Death. I don’t like it. Well I mean no one does, but have you ever stopped and thought about when you might die? It could be years from now. It could be in a few years. It could be tomorrow. Something could come out of nowhere and just end your life. It doesn’t make sense and it’s not fair. You, the people you love, anyone could be gone tomorrow without us ever getting the chance to say goodbye. To me, that’s one of the worst parts of life. Even worse? There’s no way to stop it. We can live healthy lives and be extra careful to maybe put it off, but there is no stopping it.

I used to be really sappy because of that very fact, but many of my friends have made me feel so awful about telling my feelings that I don’t even bother doing it anymore. I know I will probably end up regretting that when it’s all said and done, but I guess I’ll just avoid the criticism. I love my friends so much. I care about them with all I’ve got and would give anything for them, but do they know that? Probably not. They don’t want to know that. Or at least that’s what they’ve made evident to me.

I start getting close to new people and really like them a great amount, but they most likely have no idea because I keep my emotions so hush that it’s not noticeable. I feel like not saying how you feel or showing people how you feel is some sort of new fad. People don’t want to know how great you think they are, how much you love them, how you’d take a bullet for them. Surely I’d love to know these things, would love for someone to tell me these things, but it seems not many other people would. I’ve literally been laughed at for telling people how I feel and that belittles me so much. I don’t like holding my emotions in but I’m forced to and that probably adds a lot to the way I feel and think lately.

I’m not giving up, I’m just trying to move on. But from what? The person I am, I’m forced to move on from my personality. Is that even possible?

I guess I’m just having a bad night. Although I usually end up feeling this way every night, so what’s that supposed to mean? This is just the first time in a long time that I’ve actually sat down and wrote. It feels so good to do so. I could probably go on and on (and actually want to) but I’m tired and really stressed about school, so I better get some sleep. I can’t control how things are going, especially when other people are involved so heavily, but at least I can attempt to control my grades and I guess that counts for something.

Goodnight.