Battles Alone

Today was the first day of not involving my friends in my problems and handling them myself.

Doing so is never something I wanted to do; I have tried to build friendships where I can open up whenever I need to get things off my chest but it has come to the point where that no longer seems okay. Last night my best friend told me I was needy and required too much attention, was hard to be friends with, and was going to have my friends start distancing themselves from me. Holding back tears over dinner, I guess I realized it’s time to pull away from my friendships.

So that’s what I am doing. I told her I would remove myself from her life. Though she did end up replying to that, I just didn’t reply. As much as I want and need to talk to her, if I’m such a bother I need to work on myself before putting efforts into friendships. I had a really rough day and if I text her, even about something completely unrelated, I know that I will fall into crying to her and obviously that’s something I shouldn’t be doing.

I know I’m really clingy and sometimes all I need is the attention of my friends. I get so anxious and upset and I just feel so alone and all I want and need is to talk to someone that needs and understands me. I’m beginning to wonder if that’s okay in friendships or if I just need a therapist and need to keep my personal issues away from friendships at all costs (this thought comes from her mentioning when she had issues she went to therapy instead of making the people around her feel like shit). I want to be able to have close friendships that I can open up but I feel like whenever I get to that point, I get shot down and end up at stage one again.

I’m well aware that obviously I have something going on. Between being constantly stressed, paranoid, and anxious, it’s a really toxic mixture that I am working so hard to sort out but I feel as though I can’t do it on my own. But at the same time, I would much rather have a friend by my side wiping my tears and holding me and just listening to it all instead of a therapist. I would (and have done) do the same for my friends but yet I always end up feeling like I am such a huge burden and weight on the people I love most.

Has anyone else ever had this issue? Do you pull your personal life out of the friendship? Do you pull away from the friendship completely? How did you handle it? I am just so lonely and sad about the entire thing; I need my best friend but I don’t want to lose her by my neediness. I know this post is rambling and not my best writing but I’m looking for responses more than anything.

What Am I Doing?

I thought I was happy for a little while. That was replaced with worry and stress and fears pretty quickly. Sure I can have happy moments, but those are extinguished by the crushing reality that everything is not what it seems and maybe success is not for me.

I don’t mean to sound like an over-exaggerating teenager. I just want to be able to do something and not have a million and one things bothering me while I try to accomplish a task. It’s exhausting and it’s sucking the joy and life out of everything I do. What am I living for? It feels like nothing a lot of the time. If that’s the case, what am I doing here? Where am I going? What is the point?

I keep searching for reasons to not just give up everything I’ve been working for. Obviously nothing makes me happy enough to feel like I have some sort of purpose and that fact absolutely sucks. It’s actually quite heartbreaking and I don’t know what I should do. I keep stumbling and falling and can’t seem to find something worth striving for. There are bits and pieces that make me smile, sure, but I’m drowning in this unsatisfactory stage that’s been going on for awhile. I’m fighting a battle for something that will tell me that it’s all worth it.

Maybe my priorities are wrong. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong but I keep trying, oh I try so hard to piece it together. I go through every day feeling like what I’m doing isn’t worth it, thinking maybe one day something great will happen; thinking it will all fall into place.

Maybe it will. Maybe it won’t.

I don’t know if I want to keep trying to find out if I’m going to constantly feel awful while searching for answers. I guess I should start going with the flow and stop thinking so much. Somehow, that’s near impossible to do. I think I just have to find a way to balance all these things that have me all worked up. The thing is, I have no idea what that will take. I try and try and try, trials and errors of my young life.

The hardest part is not knowing what is worth it and what doesn’t deserve my time. What if none of this is what is supposed to be happening? What if I’ve made a wrong turn? What then? What am I to do? 

I’ve felt “broken” before; I’ve been torn before. I know what it feels like to feel like you’re not good enough and worry about everything that is constantly suffocating you. I’ve been in too deep many times before. I get how challenging it can get. I have pulled myself out of it before. Shouldn’t I be able to do the same this time? If it were up to me, the answer would be yes. But then there’s that: is it up to me? Isn’t my life, my choices, where I am going, all up to me?

I thought so. It doesn’t feel like it. But maybe, just maybe, it is.