affirmations.

Lately, I find myself constantly trying to remind myself I am a good person, I am worthy, I am deserving of everything I have and will find. It’s hard and I know I shouldn’t have to keep pushing these reminders, and maybe I don’t, but at the same time, I need it.

Who I am now is who I have always been, at least to an extent, but now it just makes me feel like so much less of a person, like there’s something wrong with me, like I am being judged, both silently and loudly. I don’t care what people think about me, but at the same time, hearing my family say hurtful, cruel things to me about who I am has really taken a toll on me.

It took so long to come to terms with who I am, to understand myself, to sort it all out, and it took so much to finally say it out loud. Did I know there would be negative reactions? Yes, of course. But I never expected them to be so mean or said to my face so shamelessly. Perhaps I should have kept my mouth shut.

But I didn’t. I am me, I am the same person these people have known and loved, and if they forget that, it’s not my problem and I don’t need them around, even if they’re family. After some things were said to me, I left. And I haven’t went back. And I won’t. I know who loves, supports, and cares about me, with no strings attached, without trying to change me or fit me into this little box of what they think I should be. And that means so much to me.

While this has hurt more than I anticipated, I’ve had so much love and support from friends, even people I’m not close with or haven’t talked to in a long time. While an uncomfortable rift has been created with some family, it helped strengthen some bonds that have been so meaningful and important during this time. Plus, if it wasn’t this, it would be something else causing issues, upsetting the ones who had their cruel two cents to lend.

I just need to reassure myself that I haven’t changed and I am no less of a person than I ever was before. I guess it’s just a process. I’m in the middle of so much change and I’m struggling, but it’s slowly falling into place and I’m getting by.